melancholy musings

man!! i feel like a woman

2008-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

just in one of those random moods where you cant stop smilling..
reflecting how well life turns out for some time and how happy times are right now..
listening to whitney houston and shania twain crooning "man i feel like a woman now"

what can i say...you know those rare moments when you think can it get better than this and well ..it does!!!
and thats scary coz all that happiness and merriment kind of piles up and i am geting a feeling there's something horrid unseen thing about to happen..
but am so uncommonly and unabashedly happy with everything that well i just cant stop smiling....

and since it is the most cliched "romantic season" of the year and actually so
friends falling in love..people having crushes and soo many things going on that i cannot leave this topic untouched.

well everyone in my entire friend circle has ended up with having a partneror atleast a crush right now
and somehow i guess i feel a bit forlorn and tiniest bit lonely too...

and though i kindof firmly believe that kindof person i have in mind does absolutely not exist and that falling in love is the remotest possibilty
it doesnt stop me from giving love advise to all those others who need..
so me is the new "guru"
for a change i am the one on the giving advise end and well it makes me feel 30 truth to tell...

but kinda tired of celebrating singledom..

hmmm..
was really disappointed abt the whole MNS thing..
cant our own people move about in our own country???
what sort of a regional thing is this?
taht only marathi peopel should live in maharashtra..?? makes no sense to me
though i guess advocating use of marathi is the need of the day coz my mother tongue risks severe chances of being shelved.
there were two premeditated murders near my house and one journo was killed..
it might just spark more riots in the country

another very sad thiong that happened was that baba amte passed away..
had the chance to meet him personally once and when i took a lok around anadvan it was one of the best times i had..
i came out with tears in my eyes from that beautiful heaven for those poor god forsaken ones..and the best part of anandvan is that there's no pity , no patronizing..
just the simpleness of that place invoked by the simpleness of the now departed soul with only love to give to its inhabitants is humbling and truly inspiring..
the zeal his children carry on with is so creditable i wish could something useful with my life.. all of 19 and i think what have i achieved so far??
nothing.. nothing .. nothing..
and it really blots my happiness a bit

medical misdemeanors

2007-12-28T20:03:00.000-08:00

wow its been 4 months since i got into med school and there is so much to write about....
just finished with my mid terms and apalled by how little i know..daunted by the knowledge that how much backlog i have to make up....
medical medical....guyton BDC sembu and satyanarayan...
my bibles and however much i try cant seem to learn them

everywhere i look people buried by the burden of knowledge trying to get ahead of each other..reading studying and mugging and slogging their way through medschool.
long passages through which i float.
.they keep calling me back ...anatomy physiology n biochenistry...
this incessant chant of random words...

pavlov's pouches and anatomical snuff boxes
seem like hexes..
prostaglandins i still cant figure out,
what action potentials are all about?!
"gmorning sir" " have a good day ma'm"
whatts wrong with your batch??
you people dont study n dont respect!!
"aab paaadhooooo mukta!!"
my AL prof tells me
dissections and percussions
lancets and haematology
take a BOLD prick...
random wierd cells in histology
tiny babies in embryology

what am i doing here????
amidst this pious place
with so many saints
madness ...medical
freshers and ragging

green lawns and and cool friends
my own apartmernt
and all the freedom i ever wanted
i love this place
med school. . 4 n half more years to go!!

phew! have never given such vivas in my life... its embarassing not to remember the most basic things in front of the examiner.
hope i pass this stupid terminal exam
how i messed up radiology and couldnt identify the silliest of things...really not finding it funny right now but it is
its been an amazing 4 months and only 4 more to go till i finish first year!!
now waiting for the college JAN fest and a whole month of enjoyment after spending two sleepless weks and million cups of coffee and wild parties at the apartment..
living in a desolate village with a roommate...managing a house and everything...cooking cleaning paying bills and studying (oops forgot partying :) )

man i've grown up so much in these few months

holidays

2007-11-10T06:56:00.000-08:00

firslty a very happy diwali to everyone..!!!
its crazy spending time at home just after a month of college!
the hostelites begged for 5 more days of vacation..it was more like an appeal for a mass bunk to the HOD of anatomy who kindly complied with our request..so we ended up getting 17 days vacation..two days and everyone got bored of staying home...
mising the local the college and friends and skeletons and cadavers , professors who are convinced we are the worst batch possible and the whole interlada...
and now that college is restrating tomorrow i am scared of the viva my tutor has promised he is going to ask after vacation

ah but diwali was good..i mean yeah most of it makes no sense ..making all that pollution , buying exorbitant costing clothes for no apparent reason at all...
but this year i really enjoyed it w/o doing al my silly observations about society and all the environmental thing i have been doing for more than seven years....
i just thought well this is a really lucky year and all.so what the hell

i saw hindi movies (3 of them..... no shit) . ."laga chunari mein daag" "jab we met" and first day of "om shanti om" ....i must say JWM was surprisingly enjoyable considering i hate both shaahid n kareena
...lagaa could have been better..i had seen the original marathi movie on which it is based and that movie (doghi) was more effective in the sense it dealt with the issue more subtly and in a very sensitive way...
and dont get me started with OSO ..i think its the biggest disappointment..
yes it has its moment (oops spoilers ahead beware!!!) with SRK sporting the very sexy six pack (darde disco in his fireman outfit) and i loved it when all the celebrities made their appearance and all.. it was so overhyped with them bagging all channels like NDTV and MT?V and Star news n all..it wasnt worth it..
frankly when gauri khan makes her appearance in the end she has more screen presence than deepika....kirron kher is her charming self
but i had a nice time i gues..i cant say that very assertively coz i definitely came out disapointed

be it making all sweets with mom, guests, and ofcourse crackers after a very long time (though i got ones that made no noise and little smoke)
it made me feel guilty though..buying crackers , thinmking of the little kids that make them , and all thwe contribution to the smoke i made
quite the little hypocrite arent we??
another thing i noticed this season was the newfound respect that people have for medical students ..suddenly i got way too many party invits and people were being too courteous and lathering me with gifts (more than every year )
welli guess i should get used to it...
i hope they dont expect i treat them for free..hahaha
happy diwali !!
(avoid crackers..still the hypocrite)

when dreams come true

2007-10-03T08:19:00.000-07:00

it was my first time in a local..apprehensive but not about traveling but about what was going to happen after that!
would they accept me? rag me ? be nice or stuck up?
after an hour finally reached the destination : talegaon
crossed the tracks with loads of other people and then i saw those gates
"MIMER talegaon"
i walked across the long drive with lawns on both sides and the square building ;surounded by mountains and staring at the station ; stood before me in red and brown....my college!
as i climbed the stairs to the first year floor (yes we have the top floor being the juniors) and stared down at the ground (hoping the seniors wont rag me!!) but catching glimpses of the departments and people flying by.....
kinda shy amongst all these new faces . .and yet feeling so safe in this remote faraway place that i was going to be a part of for the next five years..
yes i got into medicine into a medical college..!! thats when that feeling sunk in...i had arrived...!!i was a "doctor in making" ( thats what a friend of mine writes in all her books "D.I.M")
and it was this thought , this little flicker of happiness that spread so warmly in that chilly morning that it somehow bought a warm glowy smile to my face..
the first lectrue i was totally lost coz the batch was few lectures (more like a month) ahead...there were projectors and so many peons and people actually attending lectures..it was all new to me (since anyone rarely attended anything in 12th)

during lunch i found people were really nice to newly admitted peeps..noone really bothered with marks and ranks..it was easy finding people i could hang out with ...have fun with
and connect and click with
i was accepted!

after lunch came the dissection part
seeing a dead body for the first time , touching it was something i had no squalms about..the formaline smell everywhere...everyone bending over their cadavers with labcoats and gloves and scalpels was something i was part of and immensely enjoyed..i didnt need time to settle in..
i was already there...!!
i didnt have time like others to do my oohs and aahs and squeel and faint ..
i had to get right to removing fat and identifying muscles...
and after thiose two tiring hours which flew oh so fast..it was two minute run back to the station to catch the first local home....
and the next day i felt i had been there a month and not just a day..
this is how the past week has been...
now i dont have much time to write anymore because anatomy physiology and biochemistry take up most of my time!!

catching up

2007-10-03T08:16:00.000-07:00

posting after a really long time..but was waiting for something worthwhile to put up!and since my life was on a complete standstill for past two months i really didnt wasn tto put all that in black and white ..
basically what i did was salsa (and i was goood!) and loads of telly

dreams

2007-08-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

its a funny thing when you try to analyse your dreams..
dreams are basically nerve imulses but dont you just wonder how you can see things inside your head when there are no stimuli...
when we sleep we are in a kind of coma (atleast i am)... immune to the surroundings , noise , light specially when you enter the beta state of mind which is the deep sleep state and that is when you get dreams..
now i made it a point to subconsciously remember all the things in my dream and its amazing what you see....
it kind of went like this...
i was back in school and we were marching towards ground which is away from the school...
in school girls had these house colour uniform skirts ... red , green , yellow and blue
and i could clearly make them out, all of us girls in coloured uniforms... so we see "colour" in our dreams and not just black and white .....

and i could clearly make out faces and features and things people were saying ..... it was like watching T.V only without actually watching it..

and the best part was i could control the way my dream went.... i could create embarassing situations in the dream for everyone except me ofcourse ... like there was a certain person who i dont like in reality and i made her fall in a mud pool or someone skirt got ripped , or someone got ditched (i have a coulourful imagination) ...... so basically we can control the direction of our dreams though we are not actually doing it you know!!

more times than not dreams are situations we could never be in ..fantasies with a touch of reality . . . things we wish we could do or achieve . . . things we wished never happened and ofcourse things we fear the most....

like the other day i had a dream i was fainting while doing a huge important operation and then there was blood everywhere sputtering and pouring ( again colour stimulus) and then it became a river and i was swimming in it then it became my own blood and i was dying then it turned into a bag of blood hanging with mosquitoes feeding on it (this from a picture i had seen in national geographic magazine about malaria) ... so it kinda lamented on my fear of fainting in operation room at the sight of blood and ofcourse near death situations. . .

sweet dreams!!

something more than land

2007-07-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

visited our farm after a really really long time .like almost a year and a half. i didnt know how much i had missed being there until we reached the little village about an hour's drive from my place. once you get there , its like feeling you are thrown back another century...its wonderful
since is the rainy saeson the farmers were busy with the sowing..
the first thing i do is sit for half an hour or so near the huge well with its crystal clear water and drongos and kingfisers hovering around on the tree right above it... and then i take my place at the tallest point ..climb the small hillock and sit on my comfortable rock and just look around in a glazed sort of a way..
the place really puts a spell on you....
you have to be very quiet .. for a few seconds you dont hear anything because of the strong wind blowing in your ears and messing your hair , but it doesnt really matter. once you settle down , the land speaks to you..
its the soft unspoken things that you hear...the crickets going wild , the wind shaking everything , the little tinkling of the bells around bullocks' necks while ploughing the field , the field hands whipping , birds twittering , and the occasional alien rumble of a faraway truck or passing vehicle..everything moving in a blessed pace that soothes your nerves beyond imagination.
just looking around andbeing surrounded on all four sides by the Sahyadris , black and blue mountains and the lake looking so young in the morning...the rich fertile black earth and the healthy dark green carpets all around..
from my view i could see my neighbours farms all around ..each of them being ploughed or having sugarcane already growing..
i could see the huge expanse of my own field and the huge number of little trees growing in it and couldnt help but feel a lump of pride swell up inside me..
its this deep connection with owning a piece of land and be able to produce something from its fertile bowels..thats how my mom must be feeling and strangely for the first time i could feel it too.
there's something in that red and black soil in the plains , its like the life and blood of the poeple living off it...
there is a nice huge temple a little way up from our farm , it has two wells and two very picturesque hills and loads of trees...
its a bit barren compared to nearby farms but we have about 40 of sitafal trees which are bearing small but very sweet to taste fruits.. and picking them and knowing they are from your land is something else

visiting the village is something very different..
its a very small village wnd the first thing you see is a typical village school building with slogans about education written on it and open space where the young were playing cricket....
the cattle and goat in the shed with thatched roofs..people milking them early mornings , taking them to grazing land..
then there are the quaint houses with little doors and dung covered floors..ah! but also dish tv and computers (which are used for making computerised horoscopes for marriage things??!!) and mobile phones
the inevitable chickens scurrying about and people with no hassles and plenty of time to chitchat.
the old maids and the young maidens going to the farms with plenty of things and water pitchers balanced perfectly on their heads moving with absolutely no hurry in the world and not a thing to worry about but when they were going to be married..
the village folks always give something like chillis form their farms or groundnuts even flowers ..
they all gather around our car and mom gives them medicine prescriptions as most of them are down with upset stomachs in the rains.
its a sight to see...
and in no time at all its time to go back (i dont want to say "home")
back to the chaos we all hail from..back to headaches about admissions and nonstop ringing phones.
i never take pictures of our farm because its always diminishes its beauty but i do like to carry the sounds...

heartache

2007-06-28T08:02:00.000-07:00

what i am going to write today is purely to make me feel better because i am so deeply hurt..hope everyone who reads this prays with me tonight for a little boy..

today i lost my little cousin in a car accident.....i remember him today as a huge cricket fan , a little kiddo devoted to sachin tendulkar , who hated to study ...aand yet it was just the day before his accident that he got his 10th std result and was so hugely successful..being the only child his parents (and very cool ones at that) doted on him like anything...he was always a kind of spoiled little brat but adorable...i didnt spend much time with him and i guess i will never get to know him....
he was riding pillion with his friend when a tempo hit them and he .....

everytime i close my eyes i get this wierd vision a ghastly sight of him being run over...
i cant go on anymore...
i just want to pray for him tonight and mostly for his parents for whom the whole world just lost all its meaning.....
its cruel..cruel... i still cant seem to reallly grasp it all and i didnt go and see my uncle and aunt only because the pain would have been too sadistic to watch ..

i was all alone today at home and down with cold and a bit of fever...it was pouring..
there was a cat sitting on the kitchen window away from the rain.when i opened it she jumped in into the safety of our kitchen ..
rubbing herself against my leg ..she was so soft and..i guess i just wanted to hold someone to shoo away the loss and the pain..
(as a rule i hate cats)
she kept going round and round around me and i couldnt help petting her ..i laid out a rug or two which she occupied immediately anda lso a small saucer of milk (which was devoured before i put it down)...i spent this whole afternoon tending to my new pets needs...and she chose a spot in my balcony under the clothes stand cosy between my rugs..i promptly shifted my base into the balcony (with blankets and my O'Henry classics)
the rain slowed down and the kittens presence somehow wooed away my cold (strange)...i got up to make some tea and watch if Wimbledon was on...and got a li'l something for the guest ... but she was gone
i checked everywhere and even called out (which made me feel stupid) but just my echo in the empty house..no more mewing...
i felt sad again and the same trail of painful thoughts crept back into my head...
somehow my temperature shot up again and that old heartache returned..its that feeling in your heart as if someone is pricking it and your legs get cramps and your head isoverloaded and fuzzy..till ..till you cant think anymore..
i cant go on anymore...
pray for a sweet sixteen year old boy who just lost his life

(P.S - please wear helmets..believe me i am the last person to advocate helmet use and usually find any reasons from claustrophobia to hair damage against it...but really helmets can save lives..i have started using them ...please do )

drizzling doplets of satisfaction

2007-06-23T05:27:00.000-07:00

two days :mission kolhapur
i didnt want to get my lazy ass there but finally i mustered energy enough to lift myself from the sofa and into the car and off we go for a lovely picturesque drive of five hours....we had a movie release there in the only multiplex in kolhapur "parvati" (which didnt even have fresh popcorn!!!)
i watched the movie for like the twetieth time and still love it so...we had dinner with sumitra bhave and sunil sukthankar (the directors of our film) and the grandson of V.Shantaram ..rahul who is a really cool dude
also there was tis really wonderful person i met today "sonali"...
she is handicapped as she fell from a bullock cart and broke all her vertebrae and so has lost all sensation in her legs..
she is this amazing person so full of life , vigour and happiness i was pleasantly struck.... it was her overpowering confidence and her vow not to let go which was so humbling...i felt handicapped when this so beautifully talented girl was stuck to her wheel chair and still made so fulfilling use of her life and had so little to complain about.....
she had bought herself a new flat which was suitably modified for her. .
she was like a child (though almost 25 i think) with an engaging smile and naughty laugh and sweet voice...
a bit chubby as most wheelchair bound people tend to become because of limited mobility but when dinner arrived she flatly refused saying she was on a strict diet....she kept humming and singing and moving her wheelchair with ease and grace through the tables and wanted desperately to catch some rain drops...tears swimmed in my eyes but a sad glint danced in her eyes whe she couldnt reach them and couldnt climb down...if she was disappointed she didnt show it..
she had an easy way with words nd talked all through dinner picking at her favourite director's brain....she was so happy for having dinner with them ..genuine happiness that reflected from her face to sumitra mavshi and snuil dad and all our hearts...joy that she finally had the chance to meet them..she made precise observations and amusing remarks..
me and mom spend the night at her place and for the first time i saw how difficult life was for a handicapped person...but not once did i hear any complain of her disability

while driving back we had nice time with sumitramavshi telling all funny stories about th shooting s and films.
and we had nice discussions about good films and her observations which are very artistic and realistic....
its amazing how she creates characters and with the minutest detail. i tried doing that in my head and got such a jumble of a eprson who was not at all original...i plainly accepted i had no talent for making up character sketches....

and all this while there was drizzle and black clouds (not to mention toll plazas every now and then on the NH4 highway) . . but i'm glad i went
glad to meet someone so energetic and kind as sonali...to have such nice enriching talks with the directors and lastly for the lovely drive to kolhapur.

we are the champions

2007-06-14T07:53:00.000-07:00

D-day today!
i lost ....i lost everything today with the miserable score of 143/200...all my dreams crashed like broken glass.....
i couldnt even cry..i just could not coz it was entirely my fault.
all my hopes are now pinned on tomorrows last result...i feel like m sitting inside as pressure cooker about to blow off.... except listening to "we are the champions" 20 times calms me down a bit :)
its a wierd feeling just to even think that for the rest of your damn life you may have to end up doing something you dont want to..something that you're sure you're not going to enjoy , something thats not going to stimultae your cerebrum enough..its not wierd its a miserable feeling.

am not complaining anymore .for once i am a bit optimistic and positive (on a fractional scale) ..and truth to tell being optimistic is a heady feeling.
i've never felt like it before..
it gives you kind of a high saying encouraging things t yourself instead of thinking you are yesterday's thrown out trash....
i know its like building castles in the air but keeping realistic and modest expectations isn't all that wrong i hope.

and there's a beautiful supportive family i have and a passel of friends and i say hell life isnt all that bad..
and even
IF i have to follow some other course than MBBS i'll give it my best..
phew!@ thats a load off...

granpere (thast french) beat me at scrabble today ( i sucked!) ...
and to kill the depression i had so uch chocolate i just might gain more than 1 kilo...
and i just finished reading "GONE WITH THE WIND" AND also the movie...
that book is so beautiful..and even though your arm might grow new muscles from just holding that abominable thing its all worth it....
lets hope all goes better than today for tomorrow...
adieu!

Chasing Cars (Grey's Anatomy Version)

2007-06-13T11:20:00.001-07:00

if i lie here
will lie with me
and forget the world??

i love this song...i love grey's anatomy and derek and meredith.....

INXS - Afterglow

2007-06-08T08:00:00.001-07:00

hmm here's a great song for you guys though i dont like the video....

i dont know how to start this post and what to write...
this has been the craziest and nicest ,tranquilest (if thats a word) satisfying week in a long time..
i got done most of the things on my to-do list...
i opened my own banking account (yeah i love ATM cards) , i got red-burgundy highlights, i dated two guys and well uffcourse it didnt work out :( , i tried to get a job and had interviews but i was rejected only because i didnt have time to commit for six months and they have this policy .. yeah that was the crazy part i walked in to the pizza parlours and McDonald's and bakery shops and i almost got three part time jobs except for the damn policy..
it makes sense though...
i got my result today and it was a bit disappointing at first...
but i scored great in two subjects that matter and let the rest burn in hell....
i just realised today something very important...
i realised that i was truly happy today . inspite of so many setbacks ( i got a rejection from a university)...
i am so mentally prepared now for that final blow of my CET results.
i am so happy about my parents right now..i am glad that sometimes they just understand and let me be and not encroach my personal space (dad actually thought red hair was cool) but in their way let me know they are there for me always...no wonder indian kids are the happiest in the world inspite of poverty>>>we have great parents..

this week has been so pleasant ...it was drizzling in this romantic way and i was sprawled on our lazy red sofa watching it from the window and listning to this very song that i have put up and reading "gone with the wind" and then watching "Dr.Zhivago" for the like 100th time..playing scrabble with my grandparents with dad making potato chips (which were burned but i didnt have the heart to tell him)..playing cards with mom ...
chatting up with friends and far away from the NET (coz the server was down DAMN SIFY)
and here i ambasking in the moonlight with my laptop and some blacktea(after a long time) and breeze through my hair and just sitting there in the balcony with dad saying nothing at all...
thats the best time.

oh where'd she go???

2007-05-28T03:19:00.000-07:00

if i had to quote the most embarassing moment of my life it would be what happend today in the O.T (operation theatre)..no no i wasnt undergoing surgery...i was just the new trainee and this wasnt the first time i was in the OT .. . .it was my 15th . and i've observed major surgery under general anaesthesia ...
and today i just walk in the OT with mom (THE DOC) and its really a very minor surgey about a swollen finger..
not very exciting ..but what the hey had nothing better to do.
so don the surgery mask and gloves and cap .. ready to be called on..

now everythings going smooth ..mom giving anaesthesia by injecting the needle in the finger and moving around...the woman screams a bit../
second prick..scream again....
thats when it started..i felt a bit dizzy..just tingling sensation...i shook myself hard and concentrating again..
now mom is pinching the finger to check if the finger is numb and patient feels no pain...she didnt...
thats when it got worse...i felt i was moving backward..get a grip...
and then before i knew what was going on ...before i could help myself out of the OT ...i COLLAPSED blacked out!!!! and when i came to i saw my mom towering over me with a huge injection (not meant for me ) a nurse helping me ..their voices groggy and images blurred.... i pulled myself up with some help and raced away as fast as i could...

i fainted...i've nver fainted in the OT..and especially during a minor thing like this... it was humiliating and embarassing....
and mom n dad and the whole staff didnt let me forget this whole day ( and i dont think i am ever going to)..taunting joking and poking fun everytime they saw me...
:( and the worst part there wasnt even any blood or incision made..

gawd..i am absolutely hopeless

on a better note..the driving lessons are going great...i havent yet smashe dthe car even once..i drive smooth but well thegear changing could use some practice..
i wish i had an automatic :)

k gotta go...mom is not going to let me have a mental block about the fainting incident and pull me into the OT again . . .(NOW)

Cheeni kam hai yet tooo sweet to handle

2007-05-26T10:12:00.000-07:00

I just saw "Cheeni kam" and cant stop gushing about this audacious yet too sweet , hilarious and romantic story.....

its a hindi movie that i've enjoyed to the core after a really long time....

a delicate relationship about a 64 year young chef and 34 year old Tabu. .

its supposedly a taboo relationship but the central characters are so vivacious and spontaneous and amitabh convinces you that romance and love truly have no age bar. .

i enjoyed the film so much especially cute scenes between amitabh (buddha) and tabu (neena) . . its not mushy or deliberate or bollywood ishtyle kinda romance . .its just believable and spontaneous.

and this serious topic is dealt in a very lighthearted and subtle manner because of the colourful characters and brilliant acting yet never stooping low and there is not a single dull moment in the entire two hours.

paresh rawal makes a late entry but as always blends his characetr so well as tabu's dad. he doesn't have too many funny lines and his job is pretty much to remind amitabh all the time that they now belong to the senior citizen club. . and then he goes on a non essential satyagraha (this was the boring part of the film)

imagine the poor "Gandhiwadi" dad's plight when a guy six years older than him expresses his wish to marry his daughter . .

there are no song and dance sequences and only the one song in the background "cheeni kam hai" which i loved.

buddha's mom is quite a character who watches "sex and the city" . .his neighbour is a cute no nosense kiddo called "Sexy" having cancer who he totally depends on for practical advice (and she in return demands A rated DVD's from him ) . i thought her character was a bit overdone but cute anyway.

i loved tabu's character a lot- a gorgeous woman who is not shy , mature yet having a great sense of humour . .not wanting to be commited to a guy but to a man . .headstrong and vibrant very much dtermined to marry this guy twice her age.

and then there's Buddha himself . . single , arrogant , demanding , old, sexy and so very charming. .

.he'll run and pant and prove to his lady love that he does have stamina to go beyond holding her hand ;)

he's the "chachaji" who can pull off buying a pack of Durex...

he's the head Chef and owner of London's finest restaurant andwill go to any length to keep it that way.

its a sweet movie with witty dialogues and great chemistry and i dont think its too bold and people can and will take in their stride .

i remember one of my friends R just said that she won't watch this movie (and no one would go watch it with me) because its such a boring story about old poeple falling in love..

i beg to differ darling....its not about old people (at heart) and its not disgusting its ..all about romance and better than any tara rum pum crap

don't miss it..

as for rating it i'd give it a 4 on 5. .

holiday blues

2007-05-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

now dont think i am complaining because i have nothing to do..(thats exactly what i am going to)
i dont have anything to do...!!!
its so boring....i am lazy to even get up and enroll in a gym , join a book and video library , do something to help the poor.....

I am not reading any good books , not watching any worthwhile movies. not spending quality time with friends or family...
i simply sleeep for hours together ...and watch the telly (same reruns over and over again !) ...i need desperate help..
i need to get out of the house.. i need to ...... yawn!!!

anyway i did join a driving school with my friend R . now we were supposed to start on this together but she was delayed somehow..neway ..
so i tried the car for the first time today and well ya know am not a menace on the road...
the trainer guy said i did pretty well with whole terrible clutch and accelerator routine . . phew!
and today i learnt a very important lesson. . i am not going to laugh at aunties who drive on our so revered Pune roads . .coz you knw its hard to drive and i accept totally that we gals are not that gifted in this particular area :)

so i have so many things that i want to do this summer. . earn some extra money and i was wondering of some creative way of doing that....
i want to work and earn ..and at the same time learn the dignity of labour..
if i go to medical school and become a doctor , i will alwyas have the upper hand and a prestigious position .. so before all that i just wanted to feel how people survive by doing odd jobs..
its stupid but i want to learn how to live it out in the "real" world . where banks manage money and parents dont give pocket money.
its just a stupid notion pf mine..
so this week i have decided to go to the busiest bank (and not the ususal bank where the manager offers me tea) and learn about banking..coz frankly i dont know a whole lot about banking yet...

next i plan 2 get a whole bunch of books (atleast 25) to finish this month...

i feel like playing the "pilgrims" int the "little women" where all the sisters make good use of their time and keep journals of time well spent....lets see how that comes along.

ek chalis ki last local

2007-05-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

11:15 me and M made a detour and instead of going shopping ended up at E square and decided to watch whatever show available...

11:20 after bugging the lady a lot we buy ( a bit sadly coz i wanted to see bheja fry) tickets for "1:40 ki last local". .

with no hopes at all from this movie and the crowd was rowdy and the show started late..

the title song was crap so i was planning to get out in the interval...

but as it turned out my first impression slowly melted...

this movie looks hopeless... not too good lead actors, bad editing and cheap humour. .

and inspite of that you end up having a good laugh. . .

there's nothing much new about the storyline. . fast paced life in a metro , prostitution , corrupt police , fake encouters, gambling , lot of unnecessary murders , and the whole nightlife scene....

though abhay deol looks constipated his comic timing is good and though he's not a hunk you end up pitying and liking the poor call centre guy who ends up with two and half crores (!!!!). . then there's neha dhupia as a prostitute who sticks out likea sore thumb. . tshe looks nothing like her character she cant act , and she doesnt even look pretty.

the periphery characters steal the show with their antics and nilesh (abahy deol) keeps the show running...

its hilarious how abhay almost gets sodomised by a horny "don" . .

it could have been much better and it needed severe editing . .

it somehow reminded me when i watched "chocolate" because it turned out to be surprisingly good. .

so " 1:40 ki last local" is a bizarre and fun movie . . not suitable for family viewing. . but go and have a good laugh.. it was worth my 5o bucks..

rating it a 2 and half star

(and peenuts thanx for suggesting it)

yesterday

2007-05-15T09:23:00.001-07:00

yesterday,
all my troubles seemed so far away,
now it looks as though they're here to stay,
oh i believe in yesterday.

i told you so

2007-05-14T07:52:00.000-07:00

leapords dont change spots , and chamelions change back to their true colours sooner or later and however much the crow tries it cant but be as white as the swan....
so basically however much people say they have changed (supposedly for the better) at the core they still are leapords and chamelions and crows.

here i am one day before the most important exam of my life , something i have worked not much but fairly hard for....then someone just has to say that i dont need a vacation and that i dont work enough ...which is enough to piss me off helluva lot.
it was as if conforming my belief as a n underachiever , as something worthless born to fail.
m sure people are just waiting for me to screw this all up...and waiting to smile in the wickedest way and expliot my grief to the fullest.
i dont have much to say except i am goint to go through a major nervous breakdown and hyperventilate any second.
three more days and i am free.

the wrinkled hand

2007-05-04T07:52:00.000-07:00

She pulled me close to her
with a tired wrinkled arm
she whispered , "i only want to see you become a doctor child"
her eyes still had the same kind twinkle
though she looked like a skeleton with flesh
she couldnt speak more
though she wanted to chat as usual..

and as i stare at her body now, her eyes closed for the last time
as she lay there with people crying after her
i couldnt cry
i hated GOd , fo he had taken away
everyone's mother
our lovely lady neighbour
oh we loved her so much
i hated him and loathed him..

and then as i walked back home
with the heaviest heart
i rememberd her calling me when i was a kid
when she made rice for me
and sent breakfast when i was alone
had the kindest wordds for everyone
and not just me
she was the hand that took care of everyone
in our little colony,
the same wrinkled hand
that had so many hopes for me
and so much faith in me

she wasnt just a neighbour
she was God's helping hand
sent to take care of us
her hands were wrinkled
because she used to work so much
they were the most beautiful
ones i ever saw.

and as i sat there in my dark room
the tears couldnt stop rolling from my eyes
and i thanked God
because he didnt make her suffer
and we had but good memories
i thanked God because her family was with her
and she was in her home

and as i couldnt help but crying
there alone
and praying for her
i felt her rough hands comfort me
and then she was gone
God bless her soul.

Seal - kiss from a rose

2007-05-03T05:43:00.001-07:00

this song is so beautiful..its from "batman returns"..n though it was suck movie tihs song is hugely popular..i like the lyrics..beautiful

There used to be a greying tower alone on the sea.
You became the light on the dark side of me.
Love remained a drug that's the high and not the pill.
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and
The light that you shine can be seen.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
Ooh, the more I get of you,
Stranger it feels, yeah.
And now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the grave.

There is so much a man can tell you,
So much he can say.
You remain, my power, my pleasure, my pain, baby
To me you're like a growing addiction that I can't deny.
Won't you tell me is that healthy, baby?
But did you know,
That when it snows,
My eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Baby, I compare you to a kiss from a rose on the grey.
Ooh, the more I get of you
Stranger it feels, yeah.
Now that your rose is in bloom,
A light hits the gloom on the grave,
I've been kissed by a rose on the grave.

the reason

2007-05-03T04:10:00.001-07:00

just couldnt resist putting this one up...i love the video..the whole accident and robbery..and the song all time favourite

toby

2007-05-02T02:16:00.000-07:00

did i ever tell u about toby?? he is a huge goldfish who actually once belonged to my brother's friend and he decided to chuck him because he grew too big for his litttle bowl..
so i took him as a guest in the huge well we have in our garden...
he is a typical goldfish swimming round and round in the well..he resurfaces not many times coz there are kingfishers waiting to pounce on him

i feel like a goldfish right now..going round and round those same thoughts that resurface once in a while..unlike toby though i remember every dreaded second of it.... a chapter closed and a new one begun and still somewhere at the back of your mind there's a scar that won't heal however much you try.....once bitten twice shy are we???
and when everythings going just great and everythings pretty perfect....i snapped...something inside me just went bang and i couldnt smile ,i scowled at everyone in sight wearing that sour look on my face, gripping everything witth such a force my knuckles turned white.
i think its the memories of last summer or what but it sure is depressing again..and i havent been depressed for so long now i almost forgot i ever was.....spoken too soon.

its almost as if i cant let myself be happy for a long continuous period of time...i dread this time when i confine myself to my room and dont speak to anyone coz m sure am going to say something rude and tell them to piss off (when i want them to stay and talk) ..most of my friends are used to these sporadic outbursts of anger and grief and god i feel sorry coz they have to tolerate me..they just learned to leave me alone for that time....and i dont know why i hate them because they do like me...i try and push them away as far as possible and they try to come back every time..and sometimes i push too hard and i loose them forever..and when i do i just realise i need them so badly i cry.i know they are a phone call away and all i needed to do was to call...but i didnt...too many people i lost that way.
they dont get it coz one day i am the center of the whole conversation making everyone laugh and sorting out their problems and the next i wont even look at any one and wont utter a word.

i learn so much from toby..
to forget that the last three seconds ever existed...to remember u have to go around the same things in lifeagain and again and just humour yourself into believe you are making a difference by doing what million others have done before.
my world, my glass bowl . .. its all about three seconds . .

all in black and white

2007-04-12T00:44:00.000-07:00

i like reading the news paper and these days i cant tell if i am reading today's paper or yesterdays or the week before..
i mean there is a kind of stagnation in the news ,there's nothing new happening in the world....
so we keep balking out the same shit again and again and again....
reading the "deemed" TOI is like flipping through a celeb magazine and watching E! news...
now this was the cover story on today's front page of the times 'Tight jeans reduce sperm count in males" -- yes thats exactly what we want to read first thing in the morning on the first page isnt it?

this and the much talked and chewed and spit over topic about the Liz - Arun wedding..
i just thanked God i didnt have to read any more astronomic crap about the ahem (excuse the cliche) "Abhi-Ash" wedding...

its tiring to read anymore about the SC stay on quota reservations , boring to go through another cricket analysis about the indian and whether or not the boys should undertake advertisement campaigns..frankly i dont think anyone cares about the "boys" (pun intended) anymore...

its as if the whole world is on a halt with nothing excigting happening about and all we have to read, watch and hear is how paris hilton partied and about her pooches or how britney spears went beserk due to "post natal depression" (sheesh they sure come up with creative names) and got hooked on to drugs...oh yess its all so very exciting!!
we the poor underpriviliged middle class have to read about these "divas" (my ass) and their troubled life on Page 3 to page 12....i coudnt dream of reading anything more interesting :/

the only page worth giving a readiong is probably the editorial page and that too only because i like the personal columns and some of the debates can be intereting though most of the time on futile topics. . and more times than not i agree with the anti -"TIMES" view.

i wish i was born in a war time era you know.....
there is always somwthing happening when the world is at war..news, events , and a constant state of crisis which is so demanding..
it puts you under pressure and bring out things you never knew you were capable of..
there is a sense of patriotism invoked..something more to do ..a reason to live , a reason to fight and to kill , and more over a reason to die....
now that is what is news ..reporting real ground stuff..
not celebrity weddings and losing sportsmen and certainly not naked drug abusive celebrities..

i wonder when the good times will come..

et tu, mukta?

2007-04-05T06:55:00.000-07:00

i saw the tears well up in her eyes which she bravely fought back.....and the three of us sadist bitches just stood there sipping our coke...
she stood alone like that red tree in the snow or was that me??
no it wasnt me....i was with the snow now while she put on a herculean effort to stand the cold cold whispers of the wind killing her slowly...
and as i saw her there her voice cracked and i knew she needed a shoulder to cry on to unburden herself form the horror and truth she had unwittingly heard about herself...
i couldnt help her then.
me- so idealist about not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally especially someone so saintly as her and i had brought this misery upon her . not entirely ,but i was party to it.

I felt low...lower than the fungus that grows on rotting food. How could i do it to her??
when all her fault was probably being a bit too cautious andprobably as everyone else called her a boring aunt gloomy. To me she was a wonderful friend.not very forthcoming , outgoing but so special in her own way... she doesnt have a lot of friends and we knew it that the three of us were all the company she had....i knew it..
We never meant her to hear it but Lord she did and it struck her like a barb in the heart- our words....
imitating her slow voice , finding faults in her flawless character..and her..standing right behind us.. it was like her birthday gift from her only friends two days before her birthday.

oh i am such a horrible horrible person to have inflicted this on her ..
Wasnt this all happening with me a year ago..friends double crossing me on a birthday??
and all the time she was fighting back tears and getting through a lecture i vividly recollected my last birthday which might have been really my "last" birthday..the pain of friends double crossing you on a birthday and then suffering it all alone....

and i hd promised myself i wouldnt let anyone suffer that kind of pain because i understood far too well what lonliness meant and the value of a life well spent.

i wished to God she didnt go through the same horror i did...and i did it to her..how could i ??
i wanted her to be mad at me ...say something cruel , blame me and my friends for we knew we shouldnt have said what we said..
instead she blamed herself...
didnt it all start that way??
i had blamed myself.

have to stop her stop her from going underground..from retreating into a shell..
i knew she had no other friend but me to help her..i knew it so well
i had helped her through the breakup with her boyfriend , and i knew her so less..
so less of her magnamity , of her strength to mask her feelings , of her ability to deal so well with her own burden...

i wish i could not be a party to that conversastion , i wish i hadnt said what i said , more so i wish she hadnt heard ,for her own good. . because it was the truth..
i should rot in hell for making her cry all day...

a i dropped her off , i uttered the the most inadequate word "sorry"..
but today after a really long time it meant so much to me....
and in her eyes i saw myself standing unwavering to rightfully recieve that word of honour, at last.....
but there was something else in her eyes.not the long wait of denial and wounds , no anger ...but plain forgivance and acceptance of something that went so far beyond her calm exterior.
i had to worship her for that..

Farting in Public

2007-03-31T01:27:00.001-07:00

(watch video first)
this video just reminded me of this really funny time yesterday evening when i wasnt polite enough i think...
now all of us have to fart we know sometime or the other..its quite a natural process :)but its very embarassing to do it out in the public and gross for everyone around..
so i was riding my two wheeler when this guy overtakes me in me full speed a real constipated look on his face (just my imagination)
n then when he "thinks" he is comfortable ahead of me he looks to his left and right and confirming noone's around lets out the most loudest fart ever...
now unluckily for me i had almost caught up with this stranger and was right behind him when the misdemeanour occured and i just couldnt bring myself not to laugh...
and i just giggled the way girls do in that irritating ..not just giggling i was sahking with laughter and had to stop at the roadside from falling down...and he gave me one of the rudest looks i have evr seen...
now i must say this was much better than the time i a guy chewing tobacco decided spit and it came flying right at me...YEECHH...well i did give him hell of a time for that.really i almost made him cry when i said he'll have to pay 500 rs and more crap like that :)

i think i am always at the wrong place at the wrong time huh??
and real sorry for the gross post

a week gone by

2007-03-29T00:44:00.000-07:00

even before i (notice the small "i" , its so that i dont feel too egotistic about myself according to the 'times of "i"ndia') can get into a good speed for studying and set myself a strong pace of solving questions BANG a week has gone by..not one but almost three..
and even in all this madness i managed to see a good movie..forbidden fruit ...

if i loved matthew mcCoughney in the "wedding planner" i love him even more now in "U-571" as the lieutenenant
what a movie!! it glorifies the bravery of the Allied forces in overpowering a german U boat and recovering the Enigma code... beautiful cinematography, though i felt bill paxton's ( The Tornado) talent was wasted in the role of the skipper...

Mat sports a sexy crew cut and a set jaw..very much a hunk..

the temp are soaring so high (almost 40 C) its making me tizzy...

an me thinks its a great time to get over old grudges and start anew....

do leapords change their spots so sudden??

tadoba

2007-03-24T11:50:00.000-07:00

tadoba

2007-03-22T04:35:00.000-07:00

and the few days of respite that i spent them in the beloved jungles near chandrapur drenching in peace and a kind of beauty that only nature lovers can enjoy.
two days filled with adventure ,seeking out tigers, spotting exotic birds and for once after a really long time being on my own when i wanted...
i flew to nagpur by Kingfisher and boy now i undersatnd what they mean by vijay mallya class...
its truly wonderful how well they serve you and the first thing i noticed was most of the guys bagging the aisle seats...and to know what i mean you should see all the beautiful, immaculate and tall airhostesses who make you feel like something the cat dragged in....well we were pampered and well fed on Le Meridien food and it made my virgin flight truly memorable.!!
it was a wonderful flight...very much in contrast to the return flight on board the shaky, miniscule 50 seater Air Sahara plane ..i had the most dreadful seat in front of the lavatory which was stinking like hell..and there was some turbulence which made me nauseu. the bored hostess the stsle food, stinking seats smalll aisels..it was painful really was i glad to get off that horrid plane with the hostile hostesses...

being in nagpur is like almost visiting a village with good roads , one multiplex , one coffee place, ...what is lucrative is tonnes of relatives and ofcourse the jungles....

this time the trip paid off as it was the first time i saw a family of 5 tigers together in front of my car...it was the most breathtaking view ever.....and also the paradise fly catcher male with its beautful white tail which was a rare coveted sight
there's no electricity there and to sit gazing at the stars that looked so reachable that night spotting and making up constellations and hundreds of fireflies lighting up the night skies ...thats the life i love
now that i am back in pune to the hullagullah of the city life...
to all the fake friends and branded showrooms and unending malls and multiplexes, relatives who live so near yet never bother to show up, where you can hardly see any stars at night, to the pollution, and the only animals you are the tame high breed dogs in the neighbourhood wearing branded shirts (??!!), thick medical entrance books which however much you solve seems inadequate, back to punk and rock ....to the rat race which makes you feel lower than the mouse .. to faces unpleasant finally back to the rut.
how i wish i could go back to the village , to the jungle lore ,to home

and we're back

2007-03-14T04:51:00.000-07:00

it feels so good writing something i like after a really long time...
the Board exams sucked big time in a good sort of way (??)..
i had a short dash to Nagpur and back.....
ya know even if it s a really small town with very limited means of entertainment it can be fun...
i get to meet all grandparents ,cousins and innumearble uncles and aunties....
i had a gala family time thought i was travelling alone...
it somehow drove away most of the lonliness....
also a small but very spectacular trip to tadoba near chandrapur...which is one of the few tiger reserves left
and ui saw 5 tigers cross the road in front of me just like cattle do ...it was really breathtaking....
well m back home now..... and already busy wid CEt classes and solving hundreds of MCQ's ....
oh Lordy its worse that the previous do but i think i will survive
and the temperatures are already well above 30 C ...
and the World Cup updates driving me crazy ...i really dont have the patience to watch cricket and even girls are discussing it...woah!!!!

thats it then

holy shit

2007-01-13T01:15:00.000-08:00

so..short worthless post here....
finally getting study done..
have barely two weeks on hand..and am damn tensed...
surprisingly i am pretty calm most of the time like i have all the time in the world..
i know i should work more.......
and you know what i am going to..
just need to find that inner strength.....

song of the moment "COCAINE" by eric clapton..
ciao folks ..
won't be posting for some time.........

tekdi again

2007-01-12T05:36:00.000-08:00

so got up early at 6 in the mornig..agter sleeping for barely 4 hours in the night

and managed to put on some jogging shoes and went to my favourite place..the tekdi

witnessed another wonderful sunrise..

took my cousin with me too..and she loved it up there..

it just made my day ....

waht a lovely morning!

then my uncle who is here with me today has brought a wierd mosquite splattering device

its like a tennis racket but behold ..its got high voltage thing and when you smack a mosquito with it the mosquito literally gets electrocuted..

we were just playing with it trying to burn the most mosquitoes..

well got to run now

another maths test coming tomorrow..

i am failing miserably..

dont sympathise i have been awefully lazy and its just paying off....

finally cleaned up my room

2007-01-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

ummm yeah my mom freaked out with the mess in my room..

coz there was no place to stand sleeep whatever...

my desk crowded with books you see...

the chairs were all overflowing with half my wardrobe...

it took me on an average 10 minutes to find underwear..

wake up call!!

so i toiled and toiled and scrubbed cleaned ,vacuumed,stackked away etc..

to get my desk looking from THAT>>>

to THIS>>>>

time to study now..

my cousin th boeard topper is coming over to give me pointers...

right now i feel so mediocre... :(

silence of the lambs

2007-01-10T01:26:00.000-08:00

i finally gathered enough guts to see the movie which scared me so much ..
i had watched it partially and now i intended to see it.

hannibal lechter and buffalo billy ..two psychopathic murderers...
and agent clarice starling of the FBI trying to get hannibal the cannibal to use his unusual prowess to catch bily

the film is very subtle ..no spoooky music..
the person that rivets you to your seat is hannibal..a brilliant portrayl by anthony hopkins who is well undoubtedly mesmerizing...
in fact he is so charming and intellegint and sharp a brilliant psychiatrist that you have to remind yourself that he in fact is a cannibal and a very evil one too...

the movie ends with hanniba (dr.lechter ) walking away as a tourist somewhere in Africa.he calls clarice and tells her "i am having an old friend for dinner"..
and in the same scene there is an old lady getting down from a plane and dr.chilton is in one scene too i think..
so i was kind of confused who he was going to eat.

the film is disturbing sometimes but u can get through coz there's no undue drama.....

movies like this scare me more than movies like "the ring " and even "the exorcist "

all in all a good watch

HSC board time table 2007

2007-01-07T23:36:00.000-08:00

This time table is on the basis of internal sources from the board.
Science
22nd Feb. Marathi/ Hindi
23rd Feb. English
24th Feb physics-1
26th Feb physics-22
7th Feb chemistry-1
28th Feb chemistry-2
1st march biology-1
2nd march biology-2
5th march maths-1
6th march maths-2
partical on 7th to 16th in between

better start studying now
let the countdown begin

a sad beginning

2007-01-06T21:31:00.000-08:00

been scanning the papers for the last few days and all i can see are mind boggling stories...
be it the grisly NOIDA tales of cannibalism and psycopaths going loose invoking terror in the whole country..
be it a house wife who commited suicide along with her two mentally challenged children...
be it rape cases on 31st night and the police not registering them because it does not concern their jurisdiction area??????

what kind of a world are we living in???
where is the last shred of humanity in us??
murdering, raping and eating children???
murdering your own children??

the complete incompetence of our law department and the inferior protection that we suffer is the cause for these hideous acts being carried out...and not just in india

i remember watching the History channel cold case files and serial killer specials..and how a chill ran down my spine every time a murder was shown..men killing over 40 women etc.
necrophiles,pedophiles,psycopaths, schezophrenics,rapists and cannibals running around loose sure makes this li'l world a scary place to walk around in the dark..

so many times i brushed aside that ..hey you know that wont happen to me,
how do i know now???....how do i know, i or you wont be the next victim of such a gruesome death???

"things like that dont happen to people like us"..my mom used to say and banned me from watching any more "silence of the lambs " , "cold case murders" .and reading "god father" books when i was 14..
i rmember i used to get nightmares and sometimes still do (sometimes)....wierd ones me being murdered in cold blood et al
but mom seriously waht is people like "us" ..??
just like the other 1 billion in india ...or millions in delhi and noida??
or like the 40 odd children "the ripper " killed and ate??????
how are "we" different?

i couldnt sleep for three days after watching anthony hopkins in "silence of the lambs"...
nor could i shower peacefully after watching "psycho"..i used to shwer facing the curtain in case someone would attack me or something....
now i cant get over the fact that things like cannibals could happen in india....
and the worst part is the government is playing politics in these cases too..
with elections round the corner, you have Sonia gandhi sympathising with the noida people and shouting at mulayam singh and crying bloody murder....
i hope the country wouldnt rest till this maniac mohinder singh is hanged to death.....
and pray it wont be another "jessica lall" case with dirty politics ..
i just hope the parents of the children , the inoocents, so inhumanly butchered like animals,ending up as a dish to be eaten by ther killer,rest when they watch the killer of their beloved hanged..
and i hope they donate his organs ..

a real sad beginning to a new year

working my way up

2007-01-05T07:46:00.000-08:00

are you one of those people who take gym memberships and then get too fat to renew them??

you can con yourself into thinking you are a fitness freak.join a gym with their heavy monthly payups..
you are all excited and "worked up" about your new gym..
you spend two hours there everyday .....sweating in the cardio section and building up your muscles with the lowest possible weights..then doing more cardio..
and finally dragging yourself into the shower....
three months and you have dropped all the initial fat and weight...and your weight isnt dropping anymore and you get frustrated...
gym seems tiring now...the same old hindi music playing loudly....and only all the trainers seem to be getting thinner....machines continuosly mapping your score (calories)....you drop to thrice a week....
then you just cant seem to find time for exercising and cant fit gym time in your busy scedule..
you gain all the weight back and finally become too fat to go and renew your memebership

BLAH

so for the past week (after ditching the gym for over five months) i have finally awoken..
and though i havent gained any weight i just needed this
so i early morning before the sun goes up , in the windy chill , i go upto the tekdi (hill) which surround pune...
reaching to the top, sweating in the cold and i turn around to see the city still asleep, covered in mist, and the sun finally waking up from his slumber...
as i reach up people are already climbing down..
very few young people go there in the morning ..lot of "oldies" who run faster than me..who aren't panting as they climbing up..giving me a huge complex...
then i stretch a bit looking down on my beloved city ..stirring to life...
the sun a rising bright orange red orb on my left and the moon fading away into oblivion on my righ..
poeple some running few stretching panting...few praying to the sun..
i never pray atop at the temples...i just worship the view and the unpolluted fresh air..taking in as much as i can...

talking about polluted air....Pune's air is getting so unfit for breathing ....
there is nothing you can do about it..oh yes they are ..they are felling more trees..
well got to go now..
have another maths test tomorrow..

midnight chronicles

2006-12-31T06:25:00.000-08:00

i am just going to chronicle this hoorrible night that i am spending alone here tonight..its New Year's eve and i am all alone at home.
i am not partying , not drinking ..
i am trying to get some study done..
here goes

7:15 utterly bored sitting with a fat book...eating icecream..
can't concentrate..feel like going out

8:00 thinking of ordering pizza....still bored ..getting "happy new year" messages..
more bored..feel like crying...
something to soothe my nerves

8:30 the smokin joes n pizza hut numbers busy...been trying to get them for over half an hour....giving up the fat chance of getting any pizza tonight...mom n dad on their way out...bring some shitty food that tastes so bad.yup even the food is messed up..its tasteless pavbhaji with lots of paneer in it (?????)...no intention of eating it...
now really bugged up...playing loud music on my laptop..getting bored of that too...dont know why people like to order food on new year's when they know they are going to get late delivery .bad uncooked food..and everything gone wrong in the kitchen..

9:30 trying my hand at maths ( i hate my maths professor for keeping a huge exam on 1st morning) .... feel really lonely there's no one home...hear parties going on all around. .. feel like trash sitting at home....damn hungry but in no mood to eat

10:00 no more maths ...find Dan Brown book start reading it...
feel too geeky and dorky..start crying hysterically..
try the net..too slow..try calling friends ...networks bury

10:30 still crying.......my stomach's grumbling......
too mad at my parents my brother every damn person i know for leaving me all alone like this.....
yes this last night pretty much sums up what this crazy last year has been like..sad and lonely

11:00 trying to stay awake..thinking of futile resolutions ..definitely to be broken
like keeping my anger in check, not hurting myself, studying..(like i wasnt doing enuf by staying home on 31st Jan for a freaking maths test!!)

11:45 start getting calls and messages from friends..not bothering to answer the phone....i fell asleep sometime between

12:00 last minute of the year...lots of fireworks ..my cell is ringing..
i am snoring blissfully...i slept...i missed the countdwon..i cried myself to sleep again
some celebration huh..??/
i had fireworks of my own

lousy christmas and lousy New year's ahead

2006-12-28T23:39:00.000-08:00

i wanted to have a great night, the last night of this bloody screwed up year..i wanted to enjoy atleast that one last night
i wanted to go clubbing get drunk and spend a fab night with friends and family ..dance till my feet were dead...get high till i could forget the whole messed up year and say a happy goodbye to 2006 and welcome good ol 007 (with a 2) not worry about the dreadful board exams ahead for one day ,,, and have a break atleast for one day.......

but WTH....

i will be spending new years not in NIRVANA or BALA's or LUSH or wherever...
i wil not be spending it with family
nor friends
coz everyone has their own special plans
i wont be spending new years with my boyfriend either ( coz LOL i dont have one)
i wont be eating cake or drinking or singing or laughing
or calling up everyone and sending stupid text messages (coz well dear ol HUTCH has increased call rates for 31st night instead of reducing them)

my brother N will be drunk somewhere in a great club in GOA..
my parents and grandparents chatting with old friends at some boring non alcohol party..
my friends will be doing god only knows what..going to the same old boring,drab places or not going out at all because they are not allowed to come home late or whatever....
and even though i am allowed to come home late and go to clubs
I WILL BE SITTING WITH DUSTY OLD CET CRAP AND MATHS TOO
MATHS????????????????????????????????????????????????????
what the hell is wrong with me...
i have no choice though..(and i really hope hope i did)
life sucks MY life sucks
this is not what 17 was supposed to be like..no way
i hope 2007 would be abetter year
things went so wrong this year
my only resolution (and i know i am not going to break this) is i want to enjoy more
i want more "fun" friends.......
i want to get wild more
yeah and the biggest and toughest one
i want to get into a decent MED school
long live my resolutoions and do drink to that
HAVE A GREAT NEW YEARS' EVERYONE ( hopefully better than mine)

train goes on

2006-12-22T23:14:00.000-08:00

well posting after hell of a long time.not that it makes much of a difference...
a freak incident has occured AND has delivered a drop of happiness to this dull life of mine....
for the ever dissatisfied,frustrated, unhappy, sad depressed blah blah blah ME has metamorphosed into my original for the past week...
riding on train........and going on a journey god only knows where...
my grades steadily improving, less mental torture (or is it that i am becoming immune to all that>?..??)

so anyway about the good stuff..there is this new greek food joint in the city and i am planning to go there today...inspite of having a huge test tomorrow..
i am sick to the gut of these tests...i go there, sit for two hours, find something relevant to write if i can, pounding and grinding my poor weak memory fpr compounds and wierd non essential formulae and their derivations, leave all the problematic sums and try not to think about the day when i have to collect those damn papers.

ah well.....
i saw the new james bond flick ( finallly!!!!).. and the daniell craig looks super hot.i spent half the time staring into his glassy eyes ..
anyways the movie was really OK and am not going to talk about it much here..
the second flick i saw was "Serendipity"...well i hadnt seen it and just the word sounded so beautiful i decided to rent it....
and surprisingly there is a similar dialogue in the movie when Sara and John eat in a restaurant called "Serendipity"..
its the kind of movie men would hate and women would spend hopurs thinking about..coz to men it won't make any sense.
it didnt make any sense to my logic either but did appeal to that feminine side of me (??) .
its about crazy beautiful woman who runs into a cute handome sweet guy while shopping for gloves..they have a wonderful time together and because sarah believes in fate and everything they depart without exchanging numbers etc..
the rest of the movie is about each chasing the other inspite of being engaged to different people...
i found it moderately funny but not so memorable...

and lastly as for the weekend i just went shopping with my friend (who just got ditched by her boyfriend ) in one of the numerous shopping complexes that have sprung up like mushrooms around the city....
and gals can cry when they have been ditched...i really couldnt console her ...i asked her she wanted to be introduced to this nice guy i knew....
but she kept on repeating the same things again and again....i just sat there waiting for her to get through her tirade...
and somehow i was mega glad i wasnt involved with anyone who could put me through a phase like that...it was a selfish thought and feeling really guilty i just cursed her now ex boyfriend as much as i could and saying things that made her feel better...

my grandpa challenged me to a Sudoku puzzle and well he beat me by 1 whole minute........
how more geeky can i get????????

when i feel geeky i do what most girls would do..thats right hit the beauty parlour and spend a fortune on new haircut ( which ends up looking like the previous one) , get a nice banana and watermelon and carrot and what not massages and treatments suggested by the salon lady (WHAT A RIP OFF) and keep doing that inspite of knowing it is a ripoff.....
but it feels really good to go to the salon...to pamper yourself completely...to act vain and stupid..
it makes you feel normal and basically it takes your mind off other important things (like exams) and remind you of you...

so thast abou it...i am going to mess up big time in toorrows test.
buhbye

Ryan and Marissa Season One

2006-12-09T23:13:00.001-08:00

:) :) halelluja i loveee this song!!!

hell is other people

2006-12-06T22:55:00.000-08:00

some people just dont get the seriousness of few thoughts...
its ironic what people find "funny" is actually not meant to be...but a serious emotion which they fail to comprehend...

i write here not for others to have a good laugh at my expense but because its a huge vent for me and i can ramble here on and on about irrationalities and whatever....

anyway i saw two very good movies ..
one was "schindler's list" about how one Oscar Schindler,member of Nazi party and an industrailist feeding on the war,a womaniser and a man used to getting his own way proves that one man can make a difference in the world..he saves the lives of 1200 JEws who work in his factory..its a true story directed by Steven Spielberg..
shot in black and white the only colour scene in the movie is a little girl in a red coat who we later see shot dead..
its a very touching,horrifying portrayal of the Holocaust and it leaves you shocked to death (!!)

there are many scenes where people are shot dead at gunpoint..
but the worst was a female engineer telling the camp in charge "Goethe" a real asshole..that the building base was weak at one point and needed to be rebuilt ...he asks to shoot her (for GOd knows what reason)..they shoot her and the next instant he orders the Jews to rebuild whatever she told to...
there are plenty scenes where Amon shots workers for walking too slow,or sitting to catch theri breath or sometimes just because he wants to..
i cannot describe in words the inhumanity depicted in the film.and though it is all true its really painful and not at all easy to digest..not a movie to sit with popcorn and enjoy...
its brutal.

Scrabble weekend got cancelled instead went out late at night with friends ....
it was to be a hookah night (for the guys) and few of my girlfrnds who smoke.....i just got bored and didnt want to be surrounded in a cloud of smoke so i backed out..and went to my cousins farmhouse to spend the night...
maths is killing me slowly..CALCULUS CALCULUS and integrations and differentiations and what not...
and those beastly formulae are giving me nightmares and haunt me ....
grrr...
and folks are going away this weekend and so m allowed to have a party at home..yeah!!!

acne boredom and suicide

2006-12-04T07:35:00.000-08:00

why do most teens turn to drugs,smoking and alcohol??...
BOREDOM...
thats a good excuse....i m just so mega bored..how about a round of cocaine or shots of vodka or minty Marlboro's....
its true though the number one reson for youngsters to abuse these substances remains boredom...

and what do medicos say about suicidal teens ..>>>ACNE!!!
studies say that atleast 30% of teens suffer from some form of depression at some time..

well boredom did drive me to some wild behaviour...
but seriously ACNE and suicide sounds like bad medical reporting..

innocent until proven guilty

2006-11-18T07:38:00.000-08:00

well i have been a real lazy ass for the pst whole week and everything seems to be piling up on my head...
and as you mighthave figured till now i dont cope up with tensions quite well..
so well i have not been quite prudent and well the nice little angel (!!??)
that i am supposed to be.hmm i wonder when i ever was.?
i was just wondering- you know like when we are kids or are really stupid we find it so very easy to distinguish right from wrong, good from evil and so on..
but the more you deliberate on that issue the more difficult it seems to label something as wrong or evil...what is evil exactly??
some would say something bad that happened to the,some act or incident or a person as evil...but dont we all have some evil deep within us??
and those of us who fail to accept that are well hypocrites..
why do you belive in GOD??He to you is the supreme of goodness and we all sing praises of him and worship him..
but who is the Devil?..why isnt he so specific a character in our lives?
when i was a kid people used to scare me about wandering alone in darknes...or tell me when i didnt put on the bathroom light a ghost would take me away or something equally shitty..
funny i was never scared of the dark and still am not..
so about this devilish character..how do you define him??is he this cruel looking person with red horns and sinister laughter?? or would you call a person who has murdered,raped,kidnapped,tortured and done what not a devil??
every religion is so specific about how God looks,about how he works how we should reach out to him etc etc..
but where do you come across a book or whatever which says "10 ways to find the Devil" or whatever.....
no right now distinguishing right from wrong is a very heavy burden i cannot carry along...and the more you think about it the more incredulous thoughts you come up with...
yes someone has to help me out with this dilemma i am facing and put my mind to rest..coz i really cant come with a satisfying answer for myself...
i read a quote " when you reach a conclusion you have merely exhausted your ability to reason"

as for my weekend ...i rented a movie .this time another old classic "to catch a thief" ( just when you thought i couldn't get any more boring)
i had a round of scrabble with my grandparents..which i won.... my best play was "AMAZON" which clinched me 65 points..pretty good huh?
and did so very little things which i have decided not to judge as right or wrong!!!i call it selective judging..funny you tend not to judge yourslef but never let any oportunity to judge other people go by...
i am struggling very hard right now...and nothing seems to be making sense..
struggling with my conscience w,with my life ,with my irrationalities,and most of all with poeple..
well i am no longer scared of them but i find any human company almost revolting..no really i just dont like being around people anymore and i avoid it as much as i can..i am going through this purging phase again.. i dont talk to anyone and my daily talk time & word limit would be less than 5000 words ( and you know women usually talk more than 30000-40,000 words a day)
hehe and i for one was the kind of person who would probably talk 40000 words a day till everyone told me to shut the hell up!!!!!!
life is so not easy ..and i wish it would all end soon..but well it never hits you when you want it to right???
oh rough times ahead... :( :(
aloha!

poker face

2006-11-15T05:36:00.000-08:00

have you ever spent an entire day carrying a poker face??
i just did..that sounds so unreal...
well i felt so empty and devoid of emotion and went without a single smile...it wasnt even a sad face ...
i was feeling well nothing..its the best poker face i ever came up with ...
and i have this irritatingly expressive face,not pretty or anything just expressive. and you can read what i am feeling if you just look closely..
and sometimes it just gives me away thats whats most irritating..
so as i was saying i am increasingly becoming an acoustic phobic (dunno if its a real word lolz).i get frustrated when people start chatting and talking loudly in high pitched noises especially girls...talking crap about nothing...
anyway i love my sacred space and my little island around me..
so right now i am writing this,not listening to music even coz i dont like any kind of sound..i am sipping taurine (ahem!) sugarfree ofcourse...

its funny when you don this face it seems so unnatural people dont even bother to approach you coz its written all over my face "stay away"..
well if you are thinking i am a very scary,shaken and psychoticperson ..
i definitely am not..
what i am is shy,benign ..but well i have really wild side too and i have been and acted really wild sometimes..but thats not something i regret..
actually i dont regret anything at all ..
these past two years have truly made me as a person ..i have had experiences in life most people at my age wouldnt dream of..the extremities of pain others and myself foremost have put me through...
its truly been a vivid journey..something i will carry through my entire life.
right now..hmm nothing more to say i guess...
silly post..dont waste your time reading it ....
phew!

serenity and serendipity

2006-11-14T07:14:00.000-08:00

sometimes,even though for a few days, your whole universe seems to be complete..and you tend to ovelook all the discrepancies you may have in life...
my brother visited us after a long time and just the four of us being together albiet for a few days meant the world to me...
when people move away you tend to miss all those tender moments and precious time..and though i am not very expressive a hug on and off means so much....
those few days when we are together i feel so naturally and easily "happy" and truly contented.
now mom and dad have left to drop him to the airport and i barely said goodbye in five minutes..not that there is much to say-the usuals study well,take care,dont stress too much a quick hug and they're off...
and my tear gland which get stimulated so easily much to my embarrasment were about to be set on sprinkler mode... well i didnt cry.
but when they left and i was staring at the back of the car standing in the balcony all by myself i felt deep void forming inside me and a sense of incompleteness overtook me..i stood there for what seemed to be eternity just thinking how people complete us and we depend on them for that sense fulfillment,not just for company but for serendipity and be social because it is kind of the dogma of being born as a human...having the power to communictae....
but having said all that..i just had this realy wierd experience today which is not at all new..
i started feeling claustrophobic again....i was standing in huge crowd..everyone chattering and talking and gossipping...guys and girls discussing nonsense as usual..sometimes i envy people who think of nuthing but normal things..and i do try to ape them and make my myself believe that even me can think about only short term future and short time pleasures..
but the problem is i bloody cannot...and hell i am different ..and that does not necessarily mean in a good sort of way..
any way coming back to the point standing in that jittering hostile crowd i felt nauseating..a feeling of disbelonging overtook me..i stood there quiet all by myself but surrounded by hundreds of them...looking at people wondering what kind of life they must be leading...what problems they must be facing which is quite my habit now..i stare at people coz i liketo decipher them know what they're thinking..
well most of them must be thinking i am queer and strange which i am ..
but i am trying to give that one up...
i felt like a green tree would feel in a whole land covered by white snow..out in the cold and trying to survive on its own and making his mark so very softly..not trying to fight and rebel but barely coexist and survive the cold..holding the false hopes that the snow would but melt one day and spring would indeed arrive one day..
life is a funny gamble....i bet spring will come soon..very soon

this is not hapenning again!

2006-11-08T05:36:00.000-08:00

oh now that i am not so much of an insomniac anymore i seem to have some heavy sleep syndrome now.i sleep for almost 12 hours a day..and the remaining time i am almost too energetic to study.and this inspite of the amount of caffeine i consume....!i wonder if there's something really screwed up with my system and my biological clock seems to have gone haywire....
man now i even get nice dreams and they are so real sometimes i wonder when i wake up if it really hapened or just a dream..
well where are the good ol' nightmares which i knew weren't true but they were like really scary and i used to end up dead anyway in them..
yesterday night i woke up at 3:30 am coz i thot my mom was calling me...so i went to her room woke her up and asked her why she yelled for me in the middle of the night.my mom (who was snoring blissfully) takes lot of time to understand what i was saying n i didnt know exactly what i was explaining coz it all came in mumbles and incoherent noises..i am arguing with her that she did call me and so i woke up and went upto her and she insists she did not..now dad pretty frustrated by all the noise gets up and yells at me..i go back to bed silently defeated at my argument wondering what went wrong...i had trouble sleeping again coz well the night shift watchmen began their latenight music revellry...but i made a huge effort to sleep and the dreams kept coming ..tantalizing thoughts and unknown people and adventures ..which all seemed pretty real u know..
and then mom called me again at 4:30 and i shouted back to her that my alarm goes off at 5 .....and well no one answered back...
i think i am hallucinating here....wierd, very very wierd
and after all te midnight drama...i slept two n half hours non stop in the noon.though i had turned in really early the night before like around 9:30 or so...
n i binge a lot A LOT....
as for studying i do try put in 5 hours and concentrate ..its becoming really hard and i know i ought to put in more efforts....things just get mssier and messier.
but i am less bothered ..wonder if finally the seritonin levels in my head are finally up>>>thats it i gess.
well everyone gets sad sometime right?..catch the cute video by lonelygirl on "why we are sad"/..
bbye now

simply me!

2006-11-07T05:26:00.000-08:00

now that i am more normal..i feel happy..
and wasnt that what i was searching for all along happiness??well when you go through hell you completely understand the meaning f your sacred inner self.and then again i have learned to be selfish now.
people have this tendency to attach labels as whatever self centered,selfish,attention seeking and fake when you know you are not.and this is like a direct insult to your most softest side and they freaking know it..
well now i want to live only for myself.. my whole purpose seems to be directed ony in making me myself happy and maintaining that..and i feel proud of that for once..to want to live and not just drag through life ,day in and day out..live fruitfully with a smile on my face which isnt forced and which isnt to assure others i am ok..
i want to smile because i want to..
i dont care if people judge me anymore..have just stopped caring for every person off the street.and i am glad.its like a huge burden lifted off my shoulders...and i know its not all in my head ..i feel sane again, almost human...
things do have a uncanny way of working out just alright..
i stopped listening to sad songs coz i just cant stand them anymore..instead i go with softer romantic ones which dont spoil my head...
well someone said i tend to overlook my faults.well actually i dont overlook them i overcome them..
for one i know i am never ever sacrificing myself again like i almost did..and i am not going to succmb to stupid insinuations
i am truly liberated from some invisible chain binding me to some invisible event and invisible people who seem so far away i cant even see them and hope dont ever have to coz they are seemingly insignificant and unimportant..

sunday evening

2006-11-05T06:11:00.000-08:00

hmm i know i post a lot here ..coz well i have stoped using my live juornal blog..i miss LJ though..but time spent writint is a luxury and i dont have enuf of it.
so well have only 90 days to go for the board exam...but me was tired and bored today and so instead of going out with friends these days i just rent a movie and relax at home sundays..
so i rented a few DVD's bought me a big bag of chips and popcorns,picked up flowers for mom on the way ..
got myself a pedicure and comfy on the sofa in a blanket and i watched "hyderabad blues" and "casablanca"....
put on some nice music and danced with my dad...
this was the most relaxing day i spent in the last thre weeks.. i think it was well deserved...

casablanca as usual made me go awwwww though i dont cry thru romantic movies .and "HB" was lighter comedy dealing with the struggles of the NRI kid (who i sympathise with by the way)
and how society puts too much emphasis on the institue of marriage.
not overdone except the end which was bungled up..beers nd a clandestine kiss,people forcing marriage, and guy trying to find a place called home but feeling left out amidst his own..
a movie that brought nagesh kukunoor in the limelight ( i wonder if his accent is real or feigned)...

sleep busters

2006-11-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

a house was burgled last week in my society ..one of my neighbours bungalow right round the corner from my house..
so now our society has appionted security guards.well its not exactly foolproof but they do their share in keeping watch..
but guys how about some peace and quiet????
they start banging their sticks at 3 a.m and whistling to show that they are awake!!and its not just one of them..the society adjacent to ours have these guards too and all of them start drumming and whistling and its maddening...this strange ritual of theirs which they carry out not in unison which is even more frustrating ..and its not even rhythmic
uggh i cant sleep with all that noise..and it continues for about half an hour or more sometimes till 4 am..
what we dont need to know they are awake and doing their duties...they should be doing them without waking us up!!
last night iwas soo tired and that damn noise ..i went to the balcony and screamed at the guy to shut up!.i gess he was more scared by my dishevelled form and my severe tone ..but the damn man started arguing with me saying thats what he was told to do n stuff..
well i couldnt ask himto not do his duties and so i shut up and tried to sleep..
well turning from one side the other the noise giving me a splitting headache , iwoke up in da mornig having bags under my eyes!!
thank you sleep busters !!!

i tried

2006-11-03T21:58:00.000-08:00

well just as i thot..i sat in the exam hall staring at my paer..wondering what those figures meant??..
i didnt study at all yesterday..not that iam proud of it..
i just cannot get myself to sit and study for maths..so i found myselfa nice little book about the russian revolution...nice book by ayn rand "we the living...something that made me think after a long time...yeah about my paper..i left it blank and all i could do was copy the questions inthe answer book and stare at everyone for half an hour.and then i left..
this is something i had done for the first time at an examination.
i just felt calm ..calm as i have been feeling for the past few weeks..
not sad not tensed ..not hysterical..just well calm.

i'l try better next time i guess.

inanity

2006-11-03T09:56:00.000-08:00

moments or eternity and infinity -whatever that life is....
it seems to waver between moments which seem like infinite periods of time and infinite periods which disappear like moments... (didnt Einstein say something similar?)
sometimes somewhere in between you draw a blank and question the very sole and prupose of existence, and don't seem to find a suitable reason...
my thoughts drift inanely ,morbidly deeper and deeper till my mind grows numb and all i can do is stare into a deep void trying to figure out why it's still there-the void and the desire to escape ...questioning and trying to reason whether every person has a fair chance and a choice to live..the same thought probably crossed the worker woman who was staring at me from the other end..a kid not more than a few months pld in her arms,her face as expressionless as mine..me with my tea cup steaming in the cold ,draped in a sweater, standing warm and alone..
she in a dirty soiled linen which barely provided her any warmth with her kid....probably she had drunk husband who would beat her for not having cooked him a decent meal ..probably they didnt have any food and were starving...and i was having umpteen cups of tee.

the other day , i was out at night with friends.it was very late about 10.30 in the night.we were having icecream the bunch of us in an icecream parlour...there were large schools of beggar children around..hoarding people being a nuicance..stalking and not leaving till they extracted money.their soiled faces and torn clothes and vacant starved eyes pleading.
the little girl was following me ,begging me for the icecream i was relishing..i was full and didnt even want to eat the iecream..
i stopped myself before i could pity her...wasnt i human enough that i could hand over a small icecream to a beggar child not more than 10??
it made me feel dead inside..those eyes haunted me that night and i guess will forever continue to...
it wasn't fair..but then so few things in life are..

i was still standing in the balcony ..the woman was smiling.probably she was thinking she was lucky to have a job and some food ...
i was still there expressionless..buried deep in my thoughts..
myriad ad erratic thoughts creeping in my head...still wondering about the whole purpose of my life the reins of which i have in my hand..i was happy i didnt have to work, of the laziness that drove me around everyday....it drove me crazy.
i felt more sorry for myself than for the beggar girl and the woman....
but self pity is something i am not worth.then you wonder what you are worth??why you want to be undefeated and want the whole world in your hands....
and yet feel lost and nonexisting and detach yourself from every human company you have known...i have started questioning my hapiness..
its as if i feel guilty of feeling happy...
and happiness is but an illusion .isnt everything an illusion?
..
but i do believe that what we live in is a supreme virtuality..its not real.
nothing is real..i dont believe in hard truth but then again i hardly believe in anything..
truth is always an preception..i cannot agree with "truth shall always prevail"..because it hasnt,wont and never will..
it the illusion the illusion of truth of happiness and make belief.. people decept their minds into believing they are happy....

i havent known true happines till now..except in rare fleeting moments...
but this state of mind is shattered before i can register the feeling..feel it pulsating through every cell of my body invigourating..
the sad prevalence of reality....
people say i expect too much from life,that i should have my feet down on the earth.what i have is my head firmly between my shoulders.
but i want to reach for the skies..not make worthless paper money..when you have svraped by life so nearly you will know the importance of life as a whole beyond materialst achievements..somepeople realise that too late in life-they are lucky..most if them dont realise it at all-they are innocent..and those who liek me realise this so early in life are neither lucky nor innocent.
people waste their lifetime in seeking happiness and searching for something that does not exist..wasting time and failing their purpose..
if we just could stop running after money and after pleasures and happiness .life would be so much more easier.

mathematics finally

2006-11-03T03:42:00.000-08:00

ok finally the challenge dat i was scared to face..
the stupid exam was all hunkydory till now..n with a LOT of reading writing and drawing and God forgive my sin MUGGING UP (coz see i had no choice) i will pass the rest..
and the only fight i have to face now is gud ol' buddy maths..
i havent in all this year even once touched this subject ..not even once by chance...i have this psychological block about maths and i haveno idea where it stems up from...
well i dont think i'll sleep tonite..so i can already see loads of black tea written in the menu for dinner (ofcourse my mom will probably start treating me for insomnia now)..
now with subjects as tuff as these who wudnt get insomniacal??
it drives you to madness ..physics with hundreds of derivation and even more innumerable formulae til they start swirling in ur head at night,
bilogy with stinky diagramsand stuff about plants (which i hate) and stuff about anatomy (interesting!), and chemistry-thousands of reactionswhich seem but the same.about preparations and properties..
and then there's maths...unsurmountable mountain of problems...theorems and conics and calculus and what not....
and i have to get it right i about 8 hours and i have to get it right...
its probably the biggest mistake i made opting for aths ..really...
well i can manage i gess coz there's no mugging involved ..thank god..
my dad has lifted the legal ban on the net coz he says i do need to unwind in wake that i am awake too much and studying too much..way to go dad!! and i do getmy hands on the PC when dad for a very short time shifts base from the computer room(which is not for very long)...
k have to go and do some conics and vectors thingies..i do hope i clear tomorrows paper...

hopeless

2006-10-31T22:38:00.000-08:00

just when i thot all was well ..damn!!!!
i just cannot get anything right!
i have barely three months for my final exam and i am probably the least prepared person alive.....i mean i cannot write a shitty exam on barely 4 chapters and i attempted so less and am going to score even lower....
its so darned shameful...m just this hopeless case with no chance of improvement...arrgh#$%*(
m just positively boiling right now and mad at noone but myself for i have brought this upon myself ..wasted time when i could have utilized it better.its just too late no i guess
but i had said i would try to adopt a positive view and so here goes :P
i have whole 3 months in my hand...m not that a dumbhead so i can get into gear,work hard and finally get something done....
i can bring myself to believe in myself (???) and blah blah blah..
this is probably the hundreth time i am telling this to myself ....and ending up doing nothing and still things dont work out/

moral of the story optimism rarely works ...its just a state of mind which temporarily gets you high and makes you think you can do this and that and not question your ability ..
and don't say that that was a pessimist remark coz i am neither.
i just well..i just dislike labels i guess....
ok so bottomline :i am neither pessimist nor optimist..phew took me lot of time to realise such a small thing!!

littles

2006-10-31T05:51:00.000-08:00

well life ain't no bed of roses and peonies but i do find pleasure in some quaint things....
dont you find yourself smiling in the darkness sitting on a ledge ( umm with 10 ft fall) with your feet flopping listening to frank sinatra croon "moonlight serenade" and thinking about love (sorry for being gurly :P)?? well not necesasarily of love coz i seldom think of that feeling..
with a hot cup of black tea on the cold late night which makes you feel oh so good and the thoughts just well tend to get you high!! am i making any sense??
and a verse of a particular song which strikes you to remind you of someone of a few moments you share together and make you smile ..well that for me is happiness....

or a very old couple going for a morning walk at 6a.m and spite their age find themselves being romantic and walking holding each others hands and you can see in their eyes they love each other so much...and to have such long lasting true love which is so beautifully eternal..well that just makes me smile and it just makes my day!
it somehow almost makes me believe in love again

it takes really so little to make me happy and make me smile :)

a nice passage

2006-10-31T00:47:00.000-08:00

this is a really true passage from oneof the books i read..its from "the quiet american" by graham greeene..
i do agree with this one so go ahead read it :

"i had never believed in permanence, and yet i long for it.always i was afraid of losing happines.death was the only absolute value in my world.lose lifeand one would lose nothing again forever. i envied those who could believe in God and i distrusted them. i felt they were keeping their courage up with a fable of the changeless and the permanent. death was more certain than God , and with death there would be no longer the daily possibility of love dying. the nightmare of a future of boredom and indifference would lift.
oh yes, people always, everywhere, loved their enemies.it was their friends they perserved for pain and vacuity"

how do you like it....
its like my opinions from the mouth of anopther person..queer how some thoughts just "click"

stopping the whining

2006-10-31T00:05:00.000-08:00

ok have finally decided to stop all the whining and crying and crap..
it just isnt worth it...
i was wondering and wondering as usual wasting time over thoughts .......
so finally an oppurtinity knocks on the door....for a liberation..

THE PAST WEEK HASNT BEEN AT ALL EASY ...
it couldnt get crazier actually...
i suddenly lost 1o pounds over a period of two days and my blood pressure dropped to a 100/55 which is like really low..
and i started getting these wierd pains in my chest and lungs....
the doctor said it was the depression and stress and also the fact i hadnt slept for two or three days coz my exams are on which by the way are not even important ..
man for a second i thought i was getting a heart attack (at the age of 17)!!
and no it wasnt just heart burn or acidity ...and i do have some messed up problems..
but hey am going to throw everything outof the window...
i dont know why have turned into such a pessimist lately....

so no sad,gothic poems ..
m nback to writing my daily stuff andnot so important remarks aboutpeople and stuff et all....'
i hate that i deleted my old blog ..it was so much more happier (umm it was called "suicide diaries" ..phew!)
so cheers to a new beginning

2006-10-28T23:43:00.000-07:00

Funny Commercial

ok another hilarious commercial...
there are so many videos of people photocopyng their asses and falling in the machine on youtube...???!!!!
why people why??..just get urself a mirror...seriously ...photocopying your ass??..hahaaaahaaahaaaa

2006-10-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

Sports clips...funny or not?

this video is so funny!!
and the song goes "21 resaons to get out of bed when you are feeling blue and sad"..
well it certainly made me laugh a lot......
i feel a lot saner when i watch people do more insane acts than i do!!
well there you have it 21 reasons to stay in bed and not go out!haha!
anjoy the video

screaming

2006-10-28T22:47:00.000-07:00

have you ever had blues when you feel so insane that the incessant screaming in your head grows so loud you can hear it when you open your eyes...
when every grain of sanity has evaporated, you feel stripped naked ,
naked in this world- cold cold gray
i feel dead when i walk up and down the same path ,i feel so dead.
and just when you get used to the screaming and crying and yelling the ringing in your head, it all stops and the silence drives you crazy...crazy till you find yourself crying , writhing in pain, hurting and dying.
you want to get up, free from pain, free from nightmares that keep you awake all night...but all you find yourself doing is screaming silently for help..at ungodly hours when the world is sleeping, you wake up drenched in sweat with wet eyes hoping those dreams of insanity would go away....
but a nightmare you wake upto when you realise those dreams are but reality...
its the Satan's call..

when i have to search so deep for my strength to wake up, to get up and face the world.
and then you know all that left within is a hollow...you feel dead inside
capable of no emotion ..when the only language you understand is of pain...pain for pain..combat pain with pain...
when you start worshipping pain and you feel the Satan your only friend
you feel like a goth .....
from somewhere inside a flame is still burning albeit so dimly ..it can sustain a few more blows though.
i dont want to get up from that deep slumber anymore than i wish to get out of my room....getting used to isolation..
hyperbolifying -no i am not....reality bites

now you see me, now you dont

2006-10-26T07:57:00.000-07:00

i love to play hide n seek
i am just going long
and going to hide so far away,
you wont ever find me.
i have come upon this place,
a fairly solitary one
behind the churchgate
beneath drygrass leaves
i find solace sitting in the graveyard.
i saw a dead man yesterday,
his family were supporting him,
taking him to his last rites.
they were weeping so hard,
they'll forget the old man
tomorrow
and seek hapiness
that his soul is liberated
from the sufferings of old age.
i want to die young.
i dont want everyone
to remember me old.
i want to die tomorrow
so that no one will miss me..
they'll forget me tomorrow
and be happy
to have found
the troublesome brat
to have finally left their precious lives.
but do weep at my funeral
and express your fake sorrow
for theworld to hear
oh she was blessed soul
what made her do this?
and then will your conscience scream,
"it was us ,it was us.
we forgot we were playing hide and seek,
and she was hiding,
we forgot to seek her"

perfect

2006-10-26T07:49:00.000-07:00

i am not perfect
and dont want to be
i make so many mistakes..
but dont shout at me
if i dont make these follies
how the hell will i learn?
i try not to take your time
i try not to burden you guys
i try to be happy
for your and your sake only
i try...
but i am not perfect
so accept this imperfect soul
accept me -a mistake as i am
i try,...so hard
and then this feeling
deja vu
its coming back to me
all of it.
the way i let everyone down
times when my anger
gets the better of me.
times you have awakened my bad side..
the monster within gets unleashed
strangling me.
a strange deja vu..

touch me not

2006-10-22T09:23:00.000-07:00

oh timorous mimosa plant
so small and youthful you are!
frightenedby the slightest touch.
oh why are you so impotent
that you droop in wake of every danger?
so different we are oh shy one,
in every temperament.
yet this analogy stares at me.
we wane under attack,
but losers we are not
coz when its safe again,
we rise above them all.
s different we are oh timid one,
you fear the enemy,
lest the take you away.
and me fears the foe,
lest they leave me behind!

pricking me

2006-10-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

all you sadist souls
why dont you leave me alone
or do you like trampling on my face??
why the hell do you want to manipulate my freedom?
why dont you understand,that
what you think
is what i am not
what you want me to be
i cant but be....
oh, how, how will you realise
the tragedy of being in two minds
what a nightmare go through everyday
living up to your dreams!
or is this just a game my mind plays on me?
all you wretched people out there
stop torturing me.
i try hard to be
what you want me to be.

et tu Brutus

2006-10-22T06:26:00.000-07:00

take this burden of happiness
away from me.
i want to lie in the dungeons
where i belong.
the responsibility of laughter
i want not.
oh please let me be
embedded in my own sorrow.
dont need your fake sympathies
and looks of apathy.
go!!lead your happy healthy lives
of dreams and hopes of tomorrow
i want to decay alone
and the pain to kill me.
if pain was a person,
yes he would be lonely only friend,
coz he has never left my side
that fiend.
never has he betrayed me.
i want to die in the dungeons,
from my pedestal i can
fall not any more deeper
the throne to myself i have
i am the queen of the dungeons deep
but a serf in your surreal world.
so let me stay where i belong,
i dont want to be privy
to your fantasies

breathe no more----evanescence

2006-10-22T06:23:00.000-07:00

I've been looking in the mirror for so long.

That I've come to believe my soul's on the other side.

All the little pieces falling, shatter.

Shards of me,Too sharp to put back together.

Too small to matter,

But big enough to cut me into so many little pieces.

If I try to touch her,

And I bleed,

I bleed,

And I breathe,

I breathe no more.
Take a breath and I try to draw from my spirits well

.Yet again you refuse to drink like a stubborn child.

Lie to me,Convince me that I've been sick forever.

And all of this,

Will make sense when I get better.

But I know the difference,

Between myself and my reflection.

I just can't help but to wonder,

Which of us do you love.

So I bleed,

I bleed,

And I breathe,

I breathe no...

Bleed,

I bleed,

And I breathe,

I breathe,

I breathe-I breathe no more.

a stranger stuck in the mirror

2006-10-22T06:18:00.000-07:00

o shining mirror,
who is this person
bloated,red eyes and a mess of hair?
who is this mad stranger
red all over
red oozing out
rivers of pain
and she's drowning.
a hand she puts to the mirror
but there's no one to pull her through.
oh can you see me anyone??
can you feel my pain??
then dont just stare
help!!!
help a traped soul
trapped in her own image
who will help her?/
that bitch no ne likes her

she's screaming
silent calls for help
alas, those ears aren't sharp enough
but blades are!!
shatter the mirror, break it
break the lonliness
and break the stranger
oh broken soul
first take a pill.
a pill of friendship
coz lonliness can only kill.
but i am not alone
the stranger in the mirror
sticks with me
and misery she brings.

piece of crap

2006-10-22T06:05:00.000-07:00

this is a worthless collection of poems that scribble down..
they hardly make any sense but mostly say what i feel...
so waste your time in reading them and commenting what you think
for me its an indulgence and a vent.....