man!! i feel like a woman

just in one of those random moods where you cant stop smilling..
reflecting how well life turns out for some time and how happy times are right now..
listening to whitney houston and shania twain crooning "man i feel like a woman now"

what can i say...you know those rare moments when you think can it get better than this and well ..it does!!!
and thats scary coz all that happiness and merriment kind of piles up and i am geting a feeling there's something horrid unseen thing about to happen..
but am so uncommonly and unabashedly happy with everything that well i just cant stop smiling....

and since it is the most cliched "romantic season" of the year and actually so
friends falling in love..people having crushes and soo many things going on that i cannot leave this topic untouched.

well everyone in my entire friend circle has ended up with having a partneror atleast a crush right now
and somehow i guess i feel a bit forlorn and tiniest bit lonely too...

and though i kindof firmly believe that kindof person i have in mind does absolutely not exist and that falling in love is the remotest possibilty
it doesnt stop me from giving love advise to all those others who need..
so me is the new "guru"
for a change i am the one on the giving advise end and well it makes me feel 30 truth to tell...

but kinda tired of celebrating singledom..

hmmm..
was really disappointed abt the whole MNS thing..
cant our own people move about in our own country???
what sort of a regional thing is this?
taht only marathi peopel should live in maharashtra..?? makes no sense to me
though i guess advocating use of marathi is the need of the day coz my mother tongue risks severe chances of being shelved.
there were two premeditated murders near my house and one journo was killed..
it might just spark more riots in the country

another very sad thiong that happened was that baba amte passed away..
had the chance to meet him personally once and when i took a lok around anadvan it was one of the best times i had..
i came out with tears in my eyes from that beautiful heaven for those poor god forsaken ones..and the best part of anandvan is that there's no pity , no patronizing..
just the simpleness of that place invoked by the simpleness of the now departed soul with only love to give to its inhabitants is humbling and truly inspiring..
the zeal his children carry on with is so creditable i wish could something useful with my life.. all of 19 and i think what have i achieved so far??
nothing.. nothing .. nothing..
and it really blots my happiness a bit

medical misdemeanors

wow its been 4 months since i got into med school and there is so much to write about....
just finished with my mid terms and apalled by how little i know..daunted by the knowledge that how much backlog i have to make up....
medical medical....guyton BDC sembu and satyanarayan...
my bibles and however much i try cant seem to learn them

everywhere i look people buried by the burden of knowledge trying to get ahead of each other..reading studying and mugging and slogging their way through medschool.
long passages through which i float.
.they keep calling me back ...anatomy physiology n biochenistry...
this incessant chant of random words...

pavlov's pouches and anatomical snuff boxes
seem like hexes..
prostaglandins i still cant figure out,
what action potentials are all about?!
"gmorning sir" " have a good day ma'm"
whatts wrong with your batch??
you people dont study n dont respect!!
"aab paaadhooooo mukta!!"
my AL prof tells me
dissections and percussions
lancets and haematology
take a BOLD prick...
random wierd cells in histology
tiny babies in embryology

what am i doing here????
amidst this pious place
with so many saints
madness ...medical
freshers and ragging

green lawns and and cool friends
my own apartmernt
and all the freedom i ever wanted
i love this place
med school. . 4 n half more years to go!!



phew! have never given such vivas in my life... its embarassing not to remember the most basic things in front of the examiner.
hope i pass this stupid terminal exam
how i messed up radiology and couldnt identify the silliest of things...really not finding it funny right now but it is
its been an amazing 4 months and only 4 more to go till i finish first year!!
now waiting for the college JAN fest and a whole month of enjoyment after spending two sleepless weks and million cups of coffee and wild parties at the apartment..
living in a desolate village with a roommate...managing a house and everything...cooking cleaning paying bills and studying (oops forgot partying :) )

man i've grown up so much in these few months

holidays

firslty a very happy diwali to everyone..!!!
its crazy spending time at home just after a month of college!
the hostelites begged for 5 more days of vacation..it was more like an appeal for a mass bunk to the HOD of anatomy who kindly complied with our request..so we ended up getting 17 days vacation..two days and everyone got bored of staying home...
mising the local the college and friends and skeletons and cadavers , professors who are convinced we are the worst batch possible and the whole interlada...
and now that college is restrating tomorrow i am scared of the viva my tutor has promised he is going to ask after vacation

ah but diwali was good..i mean yeah most of it makes no sense ..making all that pollution , buying exorbitant costing clothes for no apparent reason at all...
but this year i really enjoyed it w/o doing al my silly observations about society and all the environmental thing i have been doing for more than seven years....
i just thought well this is a really lucky year and all.so what the hell

i saw hindi movies (3 of them..... no shit) . ."laga chunari mein daag" "jab we met" and first day of "om shanti om" ....i must say JWM was surprisingly enjoyable considering i hate both shaahid n kareena
...lagaa could have been better..i had seen the original marathi movie on which it is based and that movie (doghi) was more effective in the sense it dealt with the issue more subtly and in a very sensitive way...
and dont get me started with OSO ..i think its the biggest disappointment..
yes it has its moment (oops spoilers ahead beware!!!) with SRK sporting the very sexy six pack (darde disco in his fireman outfit) and i loved it when all the celebrities made their appearance and all.. it was so overhyped with them bagging all channels like NDTV and MT?V and Star news n all..it wasnt worth it..
frankly when gauri khan makes her appearance in the end she has more screen presence than deepika....kirron kher is her charming self
but i had a nice time i gues..i cant say that very assertively coz i definitely came out disapointed

be it making all sweets with mom, guests, and ofcourse crackers after a very long time (though i got ones that made no noise and little smoke)
it made me feel guilty though..buying crackers , thinmking of the little kids that make them , and all thwe contribution to the smoke i made
quite the little hypocrite arent we??
another thing i noticed this season was the newfound respect that people have for medical students ..suddenly i got way too many party invits and people were being too courteous and lathering me with gifts (more than every year )
welli guess i should get used to it...
i hope they dont expect i treat them for free..hahaha
happy diwali !!
(avoid crackers..still the hypocrite)

when dreams come true

it was my first time in a local..apprehensive but not about traveling but about what was going to happen after that!
would they accept me? rag me ? be nice or stuck up?
after an hour finally reached the destination : talegaon
crossed the tracks with loads of other people and then i saw those gates
"MIMER talegaon"
i walked across the long drive with lawns on both sides and the square building ;surounded by mountains and staring at the station ; stood before me in red and brown....my college!
as i climbed the stairs to the first year floor (yes we have the top floor being the juniors) and stared down at the ground (hoping the seniors wont rag me!!) but catching glimpses of the departments and people flying by.....
kinda shy amongst all these new faces . .and yet feeling so safe in this remote faraway place that i was going to be a part of for the next five years..
yes i got into medicine into a medical college..!! thats when that feeling sunk in...i had arrived...!!i was a "doctor in making" ( thats what a friend of mine writes in all her books "D.I.M")
and it was this thought , this little flicker of happiness that spread so warmly in that chilly morning that it somehow bought a warm glowy smile to my face..
the first lectrue i was totally lost coz the batch was few lectures (more like a month) ahead...there were projectors and so many peons and people actually attending lectures..it was all new to me (since anyone rarely attended anything in 12th)

during lunch i found people were really nice to newly admitted peeps..noone really bothered with marks and ranks..it was easy finding people i could hang out with ...have fun with
and connect and click with
i was accepted!

after lunch came the dissection part
seeing a dead body for the first time , touching it was something i had no squalms about..the formaline smell everywhere...everyone bending over their cadavers with labcoats and gloves and scalpels was something i was part of and immensely enjoyed..i didnt need time to settle in..
i was already there...!!
i didnt have time like others to do my oohs and aahs and squeel and faint ..
i had to get right to removing fat and identifying muscles...
and after thiose two tiring hours which flew oh so fast..it was two minute run back to the station to catch the first local home....
and the next day i felt i had been there a month and not just a day..
this is how the past week has been...
now i dont have much time to write anymore because anatomy physiology and biochemistry take up most of my time!!

catching up

posting after a really long time..but was waiting for something worthwhile to put up!and since my life was on a complete standstill for past two months i really didnt wasn tto put all that in black and white ..
basically what i did was salsa (and i was goood!) and loads of telly

dreams

its a funny thing when you try to analyse your dreams..
dreams are basically nerve imulses but dont you just wonder how you can see things inside your head when there are no stimuli...
when we sleep we are in a kind of coma (atleast i am)... immune to the surroundings , noise , light specially when you enter the beta state of mind which is the deep sleep state and that is when you get dreams..
now i made it a point to subconsciously remember all the things in my dream and its amazing what you see....
it kind of went like this...
i was back in school and we were marching towards ground which is away from the school...
in school girls had these house colour uniform skirts ... red , green , yellow and blue
and i could clearly make them out, all of us girls in coloured uniforms... so we see "colour" in our dreams and not just black and white .....

and i could clearly make out faces and features and things people were saying ..... it was like watching T.V only without actually watching it..

and the best part was i could control the way my dream went.... i could create embarassing situations in the dream for everyone except me ofcourse ... like there was a certain person who i dont like in reality and i made her fall in a mud pool or someone skirt got ripped , or someone got ditched (i have a coulourful imagination) ...... so basically we can control the direction of our dreams though we are not actually doing it you know!!

more times than not dreams are situations we could never be in ..fantasies with a touch of reality . . . things we wish we could do or achieve . . . things we wished never happened and ofcourse things we fear the most....

like the other day i had a dream i was fainting while doing a huge important operation and then there was blood everywhere sputtering and pouring ( again colour stimulus) and then it became a river and i was swimming in it then it became my own blood and i was dying then it turned into a bag of blood hanging with mosquitoes feeding on it (this from a picture i had seen in national geographic magazine about malaria) ... so it kinda lamented on my fear of fainting in operation room at the sight of blood and ofcourse near death situations. . .


sweet dreams!!

something more than land

visited our farm after a really really long time .like almost a year and a half. i didnt know how much i had missed being there until we reached the little village about an hour's drive from my place. once you get there , its like feeling you are thrown back another century...its wonderful
since is the rainy saeson the farmers were busy with the sowing..
the first thing i do is sit for half an hour or so near the huge well with its crystal clear water and drongos and kingfisers hovering around on the tree right above it... and then i take my place at the tallest point ..climb the small hillock and sit on my comfortable rock and just look around in a glazed sort of a way..
the place really puts a spell on you....
you have to be very quiet .. for a few seconds you dont hear anything because of the strong wind blowing in your ears and messing your hair , but it doesnt really matter. once you settle down , the land speaks to you..
its the soft unspoken things that you hear...the crickets going wild , the wind shaking everything , the little tinkling of the bells around bullocks' necks while ploughing the field , the field hands whipping , birds twittering , and the occasional alien rumble of a faraway truck or passing vehicle..everything moving in a blessed pace that soothes your nerves beyond imagination.
just looking around andbeing surrounded on all four sides by the Sahyadris , black and blue mountains and the lake looking so young in the morning...the rich fertile black earth and the healthy dark green carpets all around..
from my view i could see my neighbours farms all around ..each of them being ploughed or having sugarcane already growing..
i could see the huge expanse of my own field and the huge number of little trees growing in it and couldnt help but feel a lump of pride swell up inside me..
its this deep connection with owning a piece of land and be able to produce something from its fertile bowels..thats how my mom must be feeling and strangely for the first time i could feel it too.
there's something in that red and black soil in the plains , its like the life and blood of the poeple living off it...
there is a nice huge temple a little way up from our farm , it has two wells and two very picturesque hills and loads of trees...
its a bit barren compared to nearby farms but we have about 40 of sitafal trees which are bearing small but very sweet to taste fruits.. and picking them and knowing they are from your land is something else

visiting the village is something very different..
its a very small village wnd the first thing you see is a typical village school building with slogans about education written on it and open space where the young were playing cricket....
the cattle and goat in the shed with thatched roofs..people milking them early mornings , taking them to grazing land..
then there are the quaint houses with little doors and dung covered floors..ah! but also dish tv and computers (which are used for making computerised horoscopes for marriage things??!!) and mobile phones
the inevitable chickens scurrying about and people with no hassles and plenty of time to chitchat.
the old maids and the young maidens going to the farms with plenty of things and water pitchers balanced perfectly on their heads moving with absolutely no hurry in the world and not a thing to worry about but when they were going to be married..
the village folks always give something like chillis form their farms or groundnuts even flowers ..
they all gather around our car and mom gives them medicine prescriptions as most of them are down with upset stomachs in the rains.
its a sight to see...
and in no time at all its time to go back (i dont want to say "home")
back to the chaos we all hail from..back to headaches about admissions and nonstop ringing phones.
i never take pictures of our farm because its always diminishes its beauty but i do like to carry the sounds...

heartache

what i am going to write today is purely to make me feel better because i am so deeply hurt..hope everyone who reads this prays with me tonight for a little boy..

today i lost my little cousin in a car accident.....i remember him today as a huge cricket fan , a little kiddo devoted to sachin tendulkar , who hated to study ...aand yet it was just the day before his accident that he got his 10th std result and was so hugely successful..being the only child his parents (and very cool ones at that) doted on him like anything...he was always a kind of spoiled little brat but adorable...i didnt spend much time with him and i guess i will never get to know him....
he was riding pillion with his friend when a tempo hit them and he .....

everytime i close my eyes i get this wierd vision a ghastly sight of him being run over...
i cant go on anymore...
i just want to pray for him tonight and mostly for his parents for whom the whole world just lost all its meaning.....
its cruel..cruel... i still cant seem to reallly grasp it all and i didnt go and see my uncle and aunt only because the pain would have been too sadistic to watch ..

i was all alone today at home and down with cold and a bit of fever...it was pouring..
there was a cat sitting on the kitchen window away from the rain.when i opened it she jumped in into the safety of our kitchen ..
rubbing herself against my leg ..she was so soft and..i guess i just wanted to hold someone to shoo away the loss and the pain..
(as a rule i hate cats)
she kept going round and round around me and i couldnt help petting her ..i laid out a rug or two which she occupied immediately anda lso a small saucer of milk (which was devoured before i put it down)...i spent this whole afternoon tending to my new pets needs...and she chose a spot in my balcony under the clothes stand cosy between my rugs..i promptly shifted my base into the balcony (with blankets and my O'Henry classics)
the rain slowed down and the kittens presence somehow wooed away my cold (strange)...i got up to make some tea and watch if Wimbledon was on...and got a li'l something for the guest ... but she was gone
i checked everywhere and even called out (which made me feel stupid) but just my echo in the empty house..no more mewing...
i felt sad again and the same trail of painful thoughts crept back into my head...
somehow my temperature shot up again and that old heartache returned..its that feeling in your heart as if someone is pricking it and your legs get cramps and your head isoverloaded and fuzzy..till ..till you cant think anymore..
i cant go on anymore...
pray for a sweet sixteen year old boy who just lost his life

(P.S - please wear helmets..believe me i am the last person to advocate helmet use and usually find any reasons from claustrophobia to hair damage against it...but really helmets can save lives..i have started using them ...please do )

drizzling doplets of satisfaction

two days :mission kolhapur
i didnt want to get my lazy ass there but finally i mustered energy enough to lift myself from the sofa and into the car and off we go for a lovely picturesque drive of five hours....we had a movie release there in the only multiplex in kolhapur "parvati" (which didnt even have fresh popcorn!!!)
i watched the movie for like the twetieth time and still love it so...we had dinner with sumitra bhave and sunil sukthankar (the directors of our film) and the grandson of V.Shantaram ..rahul who is a really cool dude
also there was tis really wonderful person i met today "sonali"...
she is handicapped as she fell from a bullock cart and broke all her vertebrae and so has lost all sensation in her legs..
she is this amazing person so full of life , vigour and happiness i was pleasantly struck.... it was her overpowering confidence and her vow not to let go which was so humbling...i felt handicapped when this so beautifully talented girl was stuck to her wheel chair and still made so fulfilling use of her life and had so little to complain about.....
she had bought herself a new flat which was suitably modified for her. .
she was like a child (though almost 25 i think) with an engaging smile and naughty laugh and sweet voice...
a bit chubby as most wheelchair bound people tend to become because of limited mobility but when dinner arrived she flatly refused saying she was on a strict diet....she kept humming and singing and moving her wheelchair with ease and grace through the tables and wanted desperately to catch some rain drops...tears swimmed in my eyes but a sad glint danced in her eyes whe she couldnt reach them and couldnt climb down...if she was disappointed she didnt show it..
she had an easy way with words nd talked all through dinner picking at her favourite director's brain....she was so happy for having dinner with them ..genuine happiness that reflected from her face to sumitra mavshi and snuil dad and all our hearts...joy that she finally had the chance to meet them..she made precise observations and amusing remarks..
me and mom spend the night at her place and for the first time i saw how difficult life was for a handicapped person...but not once did i hear any complain of her disability

while driving back we had nice time with sumitramavshi telling all funny stories about th shooting s and films.
and we had nice discussions about good films and her observations which are very artistic and realistic....
its amazing how she creates characters and with the minutest detail. i tried doing that in my head and got such a jumble of a eprson who was not at all original...i plainly accepted i had no talent for making up character sketches....

and all this while there was drizzle and black clouds (not to mention toll plazas every now and then on the NH4 highway) . . but i'm glad i went
glad to meet someone so energetic and kind as sonali...to have such nice enriching talks with the directors and lastly for the lovely drive to kolhapur.

we are the champions

D-day today!
i lost ....i lost everything today with the miserable score of 143/200...all my dreams crashed like broken glass.....
i couldnt even cry..i just could not coz it was entirely my fault.
all my hopes are now pinned on tomorrows last result...i feel like m sitting inside as pressure cooker about to blow off.... except listening to "we are the champions" 20 times calms me down a bit :)
its a wierd feeling just to even think that for the rest of your damn life you may have to end up doing something you dont want to..something that you're sure you're not going to enjoy , something thats not going to stimultae your cerebrum enough..its not wierd its a miserable feeling.

am not complaining anymore .for once i am a bit optimistic and positive (on a fractional scale) ..and truth to tell being optimistic is a heady feeling.
i've never felt like it before..
it gives you kind of a high saying encouraging things t yourself instead of thinking you are yesterday's thrown out trash....
i know its like building castles in the air but keeping realistic and modest expectations isn't all that wrong i hope.

and there's a beautiful supportive family i have and a passel of friends and i say hell life isnt all that bad..
and even
IF i have to follow some other course than MBBS i'll give it my best..
phew!@ thats a load off...

granpere (thast french) beat me at scrabble today ( i sucked!) ...
and to kill the depression i had so uch chocolate i just might gain more than 1 kilo...
and i just finished reading "GONE WITH THE WIND" AND also the movie...
that book is so beautiful..and even though your arm might grow new muscles from just holding that abominable thing its all worth it....
lets hope all goes better than today for tomorrow...
adieu!